The Whole Purpose of “Females” at Different Life Stages According to JD Vance

“In a newly resurfaced clip, Vance seemingly agreed with podcast host Eric Weinstein that ‘the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female’ is to help raise children.” –The Daily Beast

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Embryo: Plant itself in a comfy, little part of the uterus. Make sure everyone knows you are a person instead of just a lump of cells, which, if anyone asks, you are definitely not. Just so that part is super clear, maybe wear a wig and glasses or something?

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Fetus: Keep uterus clean and tidy. Form anatomically correct female parts. Smile and look cute on sonogram. Give a little wave just in case Mom happens to be thinking about doing something selfish, like carefully weighing the decision to bring a child into the world or having a life-threatening emergency.

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Newborn: Wear a pink hat so no one accidentally calls you a boy. Females are not boys. Do not get any funny ideas.

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Toddler: Speak the first, most important, and only words any female should ever use: “Yes, Father.” Take care of dolls and prepare fake meals in a plastic kitchen. Be a good girl and bring Father another real beer.

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Child: Develop social skills, like not raising hands in class and nodding and agreeing when boys say you have “Cooties.”

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Tween: Practice being a mother to younger brothers and sisters and keep them quiet while Father watches the game. Attend rituals like a purity ball where you marry your father but like in a cute way that’s not creepy at all. Denounce childless cat ladies like Taylor Swift.

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High School Age: Prepare uterus for childbirth by marrying captain of football team. Become pregnant with first child naturally, the way God intended. Have a boy.

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College Age: Females who haven’t found a husband by now can continue their “education,” but only for the purpose of agreeing with smarter male classmates to attract future husbands. Under no circumstances should they pursue a degree in Women’s Studies. Everyone knows Women’s Studies majors are lesbians.

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20s: Females who haven’t found a husband by now must not be looking in the right places. They should try one of these acceptable “career” paths: personal assistants to male CEOs, fashion models, and stenographers who record important things men say.

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30s: Stay home and raise six children to obey Father. Females who haven’t found a husband by now can avoid becoming mentally unstable, cat-loving sociopaths by marrying the most important stakeholder in this country, Jesus Christ. As nuns, they still won’t have kids, but at least they’ll be cloistered in convents instead of plotting to destroy America and yelling at me on Twitter.

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Perimenopausal: This is not a real thing. It’s a lie made up by the anti-child liberal elite.

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Postmenopausal: Take care of grandkids and make sure they don’t get into trouble with drug dealers. Or couches.