These Foods Could Be Killing You!

Movie theater popcorn

It’s not the huge amounts of artificial butter you need to worry about — it’s how sometimes the popcorn is actually just a huge bucket of popcorn-shaped rocks and/or cyanide capsules.

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Granola

It only seems healthy. Most granola boxes hide a rogue, very troubled ex-NYPD detective who thinks everyone is the mysterious figure who killed his partner.

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Pufferfish 

This sea creature is used in sushi and notoriously can be fatal — if the chef doesn’t cut it just right, they can puncture a poison pocket. Also, if the chef doesn’t cut it right and doesn’t finish the job, the pufferfish will cut them or you with its tiny but extremely sharp paring knife.

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Rhubarb

Its leaves are made up entirely of ninjas. How did you not know that? Because ninjas are really good at hiding.

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Cherries

Don’t eat the pit, also known as the stone. If you bite into it, that releases a horse of hungry zombies that want to eat your delicious brain.

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Pringles

Read the label: They aren’t technically potato chips, but rather potato “crisps.” They’re made up of a mixture of ground and dried potatoes, salt and flavorings, and dangerous, filter-less cigarettes.

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Hummus

According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.

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Sriracha

Where does “rooster sauce” get its heat? From an active, burning grease fire.  An all-consuming, unquenchable fire that has no regard for feelings, never feeling mercy as it destroys all that which dares to sit in its path.

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Regular soda

These don’t physically kill anybody, but the active ingredient of high fructose porn syrup is very detrimental to society, killing our innocence, chipping away at our collective morality, and promoting a poisonous and unrealistic idea of human sexuality.

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Mushrooms

There are far fewer truly deadly mushrooms than common knowledge dictates, but you should still avoid the Brown Impala variety. It closely resembles a common brown mushroom, but inside is a 1974 Chevrolet Impala, which lacks both seatbelts and airbags.

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Chocolate

You probably know it’s poisonous and potentially fatal to dogs, but did you know a moderate dose can kill a human, too? It can if it’s the kind of chocolate filled with scarabs and scorpions placed there by the Curse of the Mummy.

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Bananas

Every so often you’ll encounter a banana with a switchblade and nothing to lose.

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Comedy bananas 

You could slip on of them, fall, hit your dead, and die. Is it a hilarious way to go? Sure. But is it a deadly way to die? Absolutely.

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