Originals

Tips on How Newly Transformed Chinese American Mike Huckabee Can Assimilate Into Asian American Society

by Xu Mason

  1. Accept your new reality. It does not matter how you got here – whether it was a Sailor Moon transformation sequence or more of a Power Rangers assemble situation – you’re now 100% authentic grade A Chinese-American. That’s what matters.

  2. Choose a new name. A new name for a new you. Huck-a-bee is such a tough word for the Chinese palette. Consider changing it to something like Màikè Húndàn (混蛋). Not only is this easier to say, but it’s such a small price to pay to assimilate into a new culture. Remember, this is not about you anymore. It’s about the comfort of those around you.

  3. Be humble. A quick but exhaustive poll of all Asian Americans recorded that the most common reaction to your announcement was “who is this – no really I have no idea who this is?” It seems they do not know or care that you were the 44th governor of Arkansas turned Fox News talking head. Just be honest and tell the truth. That in order to get Nike shoes and free tickets to baseball, you, a 65 year old white man, turned Chinese.

  4. Try the local cuisine. Consider trying foods you have never heard of yet. Things like the exotic boba tea. This can also serve as a bonding ritual with the younger generation who have embraced the delicious sugar drink. Plus now that you’re a 65 old Asian man, you can also drink your taro slushie with popping boba at 120% sugar. You have 65 more years to go – treat yourself.

  5. Brush up on those language skills. Relax, you don’t have to only learn Mandarin, English, and Cantonese. You can learn any one of several hundreds of Chinese dialects. (We suggest you go along with the ancestral dialect that was inferred upon you while you were typing on your iPhone, but it is your choice). No matter what you choose, you will have to go to Chinese school on Saturdays, Sundays, Wednesdays, every other Thursday, and Fridays when you’re not at church.

  6. Familiarize yourself with Asian American media. This will take you maybe one weekend – pick one when you’re not in Chinese school.

  7. Make sure you stay in touch with family. Are they Chinese now as well? What about your extended family? Aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews – has everyone become Chinese, or was it just a percentage? Let’s circle back to this, but for now, the 40 minute free zoom every other week and on Lunar New Year works.

  8. Make sure you’re employed. This is a bit of a generational divide, as the older generation were only here on work visas, so you’ll have to be very careful not to mention you’re no longer employed as governor or right wing propagandist. Now that the world knows you’re Asian American, Fox News show will undoubtedly cancel your programming based solely on your skin color. The world’s simply not fair, Màikè.

  9. Always have a snappy comeback. Given the rise of anti-asian violence, it’s pretty helpful to have a witty remark at hand for when someone says “go back to China” or “CHYNA.” This has to be very personalized, clever, a good reference, a solid joke, etc. We recommend taking a look through your twitter replies to get a sense of what total obliteration looks like.

  10. Be patient with yourself. Remember to practice patience as you learn about the Asian American culture you are now part of. Remember that you spent the first 65 year os your life completely oblivious to racial conflict despite being governor of Arkansas. But do not fear, we Asian Americans will welcome you with as much kindness as American has shown us. We will open our arms and hearts to you, Màikè Húndàn, because as your tweet said: ain’t America great?

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