Top Reasons Cited For Not Showing Up To The January 6th Committee

Had “a thing.”

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Can’t stop refreshing for updates on the Disney+ spinoff series “Tiana”

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Couldn’t read the subpoena due to darkness inside Charles Koch’s rectum.

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Parent-teacher meeting for Nestor

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Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr 

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Previously scheduled menage-a-trois with Lauren Boebert and an AR-15

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“Whah, I jest don’t have a thing to wear!”

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Accompanying Q Shaman on a vision quest to white 1950s suburbia

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A Case of the Mondays

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“Read it for yourself – it’s not until January 6th, right?”

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Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions

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Going to a crowded indoor event during a pandemic is risky, suddenly.

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“I have a note from my doctor/talk radio host.”

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“Heh-heh, you said ‘poena.”