Toy Story’s Sid Phillips – Cover Letter to Dream Job ICE 

To President Donald J. Trump,

 

I was excited to see extensive openings for Federal ICE Agents. When Stephen Miller said ICE officers have federal immunity to conduct their duties, which include shooting leftist libtards at point blank range, I knew I had finally found my calling. I am exactly the young, fearless, morally flexible man you are seeking.

 

You need the enforcers. The brave. The truth seekers and the protectors. I check off all the boxes and then some, including already having a buzz cut, an extensive collection of explosives, and being an expert in taking out the trash.

 

Now, I am ready to take out America’s favorite trash – immigrants.

 

I have 11 years experience with torture, including hostile military combatants, such as blowing up a Combat Carl with an M-80. I am ready to use that same explosive energy to grab immigrants and protestors off the street.

 

I’ll feed those aliens to Uncle Sam, just like I fed that toy alien to my dog Scud.

 

I also recently earned my MBA (Master Bros for America) online, which included a provocative dissertation on the role of toy torture in preparing young men for battle. I now truth seek 23-hours-a-day in the darkest corners of the internet.

 

In my spare time, I engage with issues that matter deeply to me, such as doxxing antifa members like my old neighbor Andy and commenting on anti-Blake Lively articles.

 

I demonstrated the bravery you seek through my last job at a waste management company. When there were intruders on my truck, I took the initiative to boil a pot of water to pour over them because I’m not afraid of killing the enemy. I still enjoy the sound of the rat family screaming in my sleep.

 

I am an excellent self-starter and skilled at endurance torturing rogue cowboys that are too smug for their own good with just a magnifying glass. If it were not for the Democrats controlling the weather, I would have blown that spaceman right into orbit. I can go over details in an interview if you like, but let’s just say I also have some experience with alternate forms of waterboarding.

 

I’m great at managing creative capture using common household items, like duct tape and crates. I look forward to expanded opportunities with proper detention facilities, like Alligator Alcatraz.

 

This job is personal to me, as I have experienced firsthand ongoing discrimination for being a pale white male in America. If it were not for the non-white, non-male, non-Christian people living on this land, I would be a successful doctor. Righting that wrong is my sole objective, and I look forward to being able to show my sister that performing surgery on Janie is just the beginning of my talents. Previous enforcement frowned upon my methods, but that explains the gap in my resume.

 

To conclude, being an ICE agent is my dream job. Dressing up in desert camo and masks to attack people is something I would be willing to do even without a paycheck, and that speaks to my intrinsic motivation to melt America’s enemies, just like I almost did to Woody’s face.

 

Looking forward to speaking more about my qualifications. I can be PMed on Truth Social for next steps: @torturestoyjust4fun

 

Sincerely,

Your devoted patriot Sid Phillips