Power Rankings: The Top Ten Non-Alcoholic Beverages of my Lifetime (1977 – Present)

10) Hi-C Ecto Cooler Boxed Drink, 1987: A neon green, Ghostbusters promotional drink. The envy of elementary school cafeteria classmates the world over and quite possibly the cause of at least eleven chronic diseases later in life. A fair trade in my humble opinion.

 

9) Mr. Pibb, 1991: The working-class alternative to Dr. Pepper. A refreshingly carbonated beverage, once the pretense of medical school ambitions were dropped after failing 9th grade Biology.

 

8) Sunny D, 1990s: Back when high fructose corn syrup was a minor impediment because kids of that era played outside. Impossible to drink in moderation, every group of pals had one kid they were friends with solely because their parents kept this in the refrigerator. Sorry, Jimmy.

 

7) 7-11 Cherry Coke Slurpee, 1985: Best enjoyed as a low-to-middle class delicacy with American Easy Cheese in a tube on a generic Ritz cracker.

 

6) The instant Kool-aid *your mom made in the 1980s. Some kids preferred Tang. Those kids were morons.

 

*Not intended as a “Your Mom,” joke.

 

5) Tin Can Nestle Quik Powdered Chocolate Milk, 1980s – 1990s: Maybe it was the leaching botulinum toxin seeping out of the dented tin, but stirring it into whole milk was a religious experience.

 

4) Iced Tea Gatorade after four hours of summertime pickup basketball, 1995: Yes, it existed; for about three months. And in those three months you were the Michael Jordan of playground hoops, tongue out, swishing three pointers, and talking trash to everyone drinking the inferior lemon-lime Gatorade.

 

3) Little Hug Fruit Barrel (assorted flavors), 1989 – 1993: The recently divorced father’s preferred beverage for his kids on weekend visits. Liquid crack cocaine in a BPA-lined, plastic-looking prohibition barrel, manufactured by children your age in sweatshops all over China.

 

2) Hose water on a summer day, 1985: Out running around in cut off jean shorts and striped, knee-high socks, not recognizing the first eleven symptoms of heat stroke. It was warm and it tasted like chemicals but it was that or inevitable death in a field down the street.

 

1) Black Coffee, 2001 – Present: No other beverage can help you tolerate literal shit while producing actual shit, which at a certain age, are really the two most important things.