12 Festive Ways To Fire A Whole Bunch Of Employees Right Before Christmas

Better.com’s mercurial chief executive, Vishal Garg, faced swift backlash for his decision to fire more than 900 employees on a Zoom call last week… Some employees were sent a Christmas package containing a trophy, certificate and company T-shirt. Via The New York Times, December 10, 2021

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Invite staff to a holiday dinner party. Ax everyone at the opening remarks. Remove food immediately.

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Dress as Santa. Walk around the office giving out pretty presents to doomed employees. Inside there’s a note: “Use this box to empty your desk.”

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Drum up excitement over a company Advent calendar. Place notes like “Here’s to your future,” “Good things coming,” and “Can’t wait for the date” inside. The note is a list of terminated folks.

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Do a 4th Quarter check-in. Share your screen with a Home Alone-themed meme: “Merry Christmas, you filthy, fired animals.” Continue with the perks being implemented for the rest of the office.

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Hold an office Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Ask select personnel to hang their now-deactivated key cards as ornaments. Elves escort the terminated out before entertainment arrives.

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Throw a company-wide happy hour. Serve eggnog. The message: “You’ve been 86-ed” is revealed at the bottom of the cups given to the unlucky.

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Install a holiday photo booth. Have photos print with “Surprise! My last day at the company.”

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Take employees to a performance of The Nutcracker. Tell everyone to look under their chairs for a “Termination Effective Immediately” notice. Kick those guys out of the theater.

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Have company execs dress as Carollers. Send them to everyone on the chopping block’s address. Have them sing songs like:

“We wish you a Merry Firing… Good riddance we bring to you and your kin… We wish you a Merry Firing and a Happy Job Search.”

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 Plan a Secret Santa party offsite. Arrange Ubers for everyone in the office. Drive past the party spot, outfitted with a large sign “For Company Employees only.” Take the ex-employees home.

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Rent buses for a mid-day company retreat. Stop at the edge of a snowy cliff for a winter wonderland photo op. Above there’s a reindeer pulling a sleigh with the sign: “You’re all sacked.”

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Gather around the company fireplace for a live yule log. Serve hot cocoa. Toss employment contracts of the terminated into the flames.

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