12 Festive Ways To Fire A Whole Bunch Of Employees Right Before Christmas
Better.com’s mercurial chief executive, Vishal Garg, faced swift backlash for his decision to fire more than 900 employees on a Zoom call last week… Some employees were sent a Christmas package containing a trophy, certificate and company T-shirt. Via The New York Times, December 10, 2021
Invite staff to a holiday dinner party. Ax everyone at the opening remarks. Remove food immediately.
Dress as Santa. Walk around the office giving out pretty presents to doomed employees. Inside there’s a note: “Use this box to empty your desk.”
Drum up excitement over a company Advent calendar. Place notes like “Here’s to your future,” “Good things coming,” and “Can’t wait for the date” inside. The note is a list of terminated folks.
Do a 4th Quarter check-in. Share your screen with a Home Alone-themed meme: “Merry Christmas, you filthy, fired animals.” Continue with the perks being implemented for the rest of the office.
Hold an office Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Ask select personnel to hang their now-deactivated key cards as ornaments. Elves escort the terminated out before entertainment arrives.
Throw a company-wide happy hour. Serve eggnog. The message: “You’ve been 86-ed” is revealed at the bottom of the cups given to the unlucky.
Install a holiday photo booth. Have photos print with “Surprise! My last day at the company.”
Take employees to a performance of The Nutcracker. Tell everyone to look under their chairs for a “Termination Effective Immediately” notice. Kick those guys out of the theater.
Have company execs dress as Carollers. Send them to everyone on the chopping block’s address. Have them sing songs like:
“We wish you a Merry Firing… Good riddance we bring to you and your kin… We wish you a Merry Firing and a Happy Job Search.”
Plan a Secret Santa party offsite. Arrange Ubers for everyone in the office. Drive past the party spot, outfitted with a large sign “For Company Employees only.” Take the ex-employees home.
Rent buses for a mid-day company retreat. Stop at the edge of a snowy cliff for a winter wonderland photo op. Above there’s a reindeer pulling a sleigh with the sign: “You’re all sacked.”
Gather around the company fireplace for a live yule log. Serve hot cocoa. Toss employment contracts of the terminated into the flames.
Rochelle is a writer and humorist and girl mom and DIY enthusiast and plant killer and copywriter and exercise hater and amateur designer and X Files fan and pizza lover and sparkling water drinker and non-baker and novelist-in-progress and bunny owner and daughter of an immigrant and NYer and…