Travel The Safe Way This Spring Break: In A Covered Wagon

Experience America the way the early Americans did: in a covered wagon, a.k.a. the Conestoga wagon a.k.a. the prairie schooner! Our covered wagon partners will cart you and your family wherever the heck you’d all like to go. Just bear in mind, covered wagons have way worse heat than your old 1982 Toyota Corolla wagon, and we won’t be held responsible for frostbite. No smoking or open fires allowed in wagons.

3 Restaurant Concepts Built to Last Through the Winter of Covid-19

1. SNØRDNØRT: Inspired by Norwegian cuisine and culture, this outdoor-only dining destination welcomes the winter. “Of course it’s going to be cold outside. And dark.” SNØRDNØRT also employs a paramedic on-site, to tell you when you have legit developed frostbite and need to leave.

The Weyland-Yutani Corporation, is Pleased to Announce that the Nostromo is No Longer Under Quarantine

I know that many of you have been severely worried about what has been happening in your home, the commercial starship Nostromo. With the recent and prolonged attack from the alien that popped out of Kane, we know there is a real sense of worry about becoming impregnated and/or mutilated by said alien. Which is why we are messaging you today to update you on the state of the Nostromo and relieve some of those misguided fears.

CARTOON: Cast Them Out

This might take a while. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Clean Slate

For the gulls. Today's cartoons by Bob Eckstein.

Truly Terrible Ways To Santa-Proof Your Home

Santa means well, but let’s face it, he probably spreads the coronavirus just as readily as Christmas joy; there’s no way that those elves practice social distancing in those tiny toy-making sweatshops. So, how to best, for the time being, keep that fat jolly eggnog sucker out of your house?

For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)

29. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize public safety by refusing to wear a face mask) 30. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize a good time by refusing to watch Fox’s “The Masked Singer”) and more!

EXCLUSIVE! "The Shout Out" Quarantine Comedy Short Filmed Entirely on Phones in Lockdown Premieres!

A Reality Star joins Cameo during quarantine and has a meltdown while recording a birthday message for a fan.

CARTOON: Covidiot

Can't take my freedumb! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water

This shark impacts different people in different ways. It violently pulls some people underwater, only to have their partial remains wash ashore the next day while others it merely maims and leaves permanently disfigured. 

More Accurate Names for a Virtual Meeting

A noisy pop-up. The Early Morning Afternoon Evening Late Night Can’t Escape It Show. With your host, You! And more!

How To Enjoy The Sun Safely During The Pandemic

Including 'don't shake hands with the sun' and 'Stay at least 2 metres from the sun' And more!

Remote Online Training Reluctantly Delivered To You Remotely From Your Remotely Conscious I.T. Staff

The Provost should have written this online guide, but he’s being tutored by his 9-year-old son learning HTML and Cobra in the likely event that budget cuts will slash our entire IT department. So after sharing some edibles, we are totally unprepared to prepare you.

Goosebumps for Reopening Cities

GRAVE NEW WORLD: Michael’s government keeps telling him it’s safe to resume normal life, even though he sees on the news that hundreds of people are still dying every day from a highly contagious virus that has no cure. Michael’s government wouldn’t be telling him to deliberately risk his and his loved ones’ health for the vague and ghoulish goal of “reopening the economy”...would it?

CARTOON: Lemmings

Freedoom. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Back To School

Melting young minds. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

CARTOON: Full Endorsement

Numbers are climbing fast, don't miss out! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Examining The Medical Prowess Of Donald Trump: Other Examples Of His Insightful Brilliance

“Using a tanning bed on it’s highest setting for several hours every day is great for you. If it weren’t, why would it make you , or me, look so healthy and photogenic?”

Plagueboy Magazine

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

CARTOON: The End...

I'll just see myself out. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Our American Leader Ship

We are all stuck on this cruise ship. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Going Deep

Maybe a little of both? Today's cartoon by Joseph Dottino.

Revised Rides at Reopening Disney Shanghai

If You Thought It Was A Small World Before, Just Wait A Few More Weeks, The Tower of Terrible Tik Toks, Don't Splash Anything On Me Mountain, and more.


You sure? You should see the buffet! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

We, Arby's, Regret to Inform You We No Longer 'Have the Meats'

We do not anticipate needing to resort to desperate measures, such as having veggies.

Jared Kushner’s Morning Pages

Today I will do the coronavirus response briefing and it will be amazing! This time I will remember to swallow. Last night I did arm practice with Ivanka for two hours. I think I’m finally getting how to hold them! 

CARTOON: Dr. Fauci's Cure-All

Maybe a few more over the mouth to be safe. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Fashion Watch

Going somewhere? Can you imagine? Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

Revised Days of the Week

The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night - Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.

69ing to Herd Immunity

As the chief architect of this revolutionary plan I would, of course, love to volunteer to test it out. However, I’ve got this hip thing that currently makes sexual flexibility a real challenge. But you guys go ahead and get it started!

Quiz: Have You Fallen Through a Magical Time Portal to Where You’re 17 Again, or Are You Just Self-Isolating Due to a Global Pandemic?

Everything feels totally out of your control so you’ve started making lanyard ankle bracelets. No one understands you except your cat/dog/succulent. You’ve started journaling. And more.

CARTOON: Binge Watching in a Pandemic

They just walked outside? Ridiculous. Today's cartoon by Jefferson Deng.