Trump Turkey Pardon

“Okay, nice to see you.   Things are going great!   Better than expected, I’m sure we can all agree.   I won the election, so that’s good news.   I cured the China virus, so again, you’re welcome for that one.   That was a close call, wasn’t it?    Luckily I was on the ball, and took care of that one quickly and decisively.    Yes, yes….  you’re welcome.     We also just received word that my Trump rally dance moves have proven to be so titillating that they’re being added to all future, updated versions of the Kama Sutra, and of course that’s quite an honor.   Not as much of an honor as every single person in the country voting for me to be president for another four years, but still, very nice.

“Now what is this again?   The turkey thing?   Okay, right…  we’re here today to pardon the Thanksgiving turkey.   His name is Burt.   Burt the turkey.   What kind of name is that for a turkey?  I prefer Donald.   Let’s go with that.   But hey, if we pardon this guy,  then what are we going to eat??   I kid, I kid…   I’m just going to do a four piece white from KFC as usual.   That’s kind of like turkey, right?   It’s a bird, anyway.”

“So let’s do this thing!”

“I’ve brought the official paperwork here with me.   It’s all very official, you don’t need to be concerned about that.   I’ve had my best people, top people in their respective fields, take a look at it, and you can rest assured that it’s all above board.   Here, look…  Donald J. Turkey.   See?   It’s all right here, in black and white.  Rudy gave it a thorough once over, and said that it’s probably the best legal document that he’s ever seen.    He was ranting and raving about this amazing document well into the wee hours.    We just need a signature here, here and here….  everything will be taken care of, and then the turkey and his family will be in no way held liable for any crimes past or present.     But if there’s any room for disagreement, I may be willing to haggle regarding a member or two of the turkey’s family.    Like the turkey’s sons, just as one example.  I’m not an unreasonable guy, is what I’m saying.   We’ve just… we’ve just got to do our best for our pal here, Donald J. Trump the turkey.   He deserves your respect, this proud bird named Donald J. Trump.

“So happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, you’re welcome for that one too, by the way, and here’s looking forward to another amazing four years!    We really turned this country into something new and exciting, and I feel like we can keep working towards something truly special!   And thank you for having me here today to pardon Donald J. Trump!”