The Commissioner’s Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season

Spitting is banned unless you are wearing a mask

First and third base will be replaced with active landmines

If anyone sees my wife out and about, will you tell her to call me? I want to work it out

Bats will be replaced with a sea bass

Balls will be replaced with a much littler sea bass

I am a shell of a man

Along with having a universal designated hitter, each team will be assigned a designated tickler

Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs

Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas

There will be an eighty-eight team playoff.

I will be available for calls just in case anyone just wants to talk about anything. Anything at all

A new position will be tested in between first and second called, “longstop.”

Fans are no longer allowed to bring bee hives to stadiums

Each team will select their best fighter and send them to an island and the order of deaths will determine playoff seeding

I’ve been going through a lot lately

Each team will select their worst fighter and have them examine the stadium to make sure that people are no longer bringing bee hives into the stadium

Each club’s cocaine dealer must be screened by me prior to entering the ball park for about an hour and a half or so

Every player will go by the name ‘Darryll Strawberry’ because it’s the cutest name EVER!

Stop ignoring my calls

Figure out who the fuck has been bringing all these bee hives to the game

‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ will no longer be played at any ball park. Each club’s organist must play ‘Home Sweet Home’ by Mötley Crüe

Each team’s closer must send me a text during this rendition to see if I’m okay. I’m not.

Somebody let The Royals know that their coke dealer is the best one of the lot.

Daddy’s feelin’ good

When a pitcher gets called out of the bull pen he must French kiss the guy he’s replacing to, “tag in.”


I can’t stop crying

I just want to let all the managers know that you guys are the best friends anyone could ask for and you’ve really been there for me. Especially you Tito.

Anyone know where I could get some acid?

Make ABSOLUTELY sure that there are NO BEES anywhere near me when I take the acid. Last time I was at Comerica and rode the snake I thought all those bees were little flying candy corns and boy did I pay for it

A portion of all player’s salaries will go towards my cosmetic surgery fund

I’m going to fix myself up and start taking care of myself. Then she’ll love me again

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if ‘The Orioles’ and ‘The Cardinals’ swapped names and we didn’t tell anyone about it? It would be so funny!

‘The Blue Jays have to change their name all together. That was her favorite bird and I just can’t.

Maybe all of this is for the best

Tell everyone in the front office in San Diego to laugh when I say, “You know, my father was a Padré.” That joke is totally killer and you guys don’t even fucking care

Someone stop me

I’m driving 130 mph on a side street

Tom Petty was right when he said, “It’s so painful when something that’s so close is still so far out of reeeeEEEEaaaAAAAch”

I am the American Girl

Remember The Titans

Don’t You Forget About me though either

Play ball