Upcoming Family Interventions

 

Brother In-Law

It was agreed last year something would have to be done before Earl drove us all to financial ruin so this will be the first intervention of 2022, before indoor dining is back in full swing. We’ve all had enough of his sufferable vegan beer garden, trans frittata bar or truffle farm-to-plate bistro suggestions. Add any restaurant that begins with the word Un or La.

In a Wendy’s location TBA.

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Mother

40 Cuisinart sauce pans is probably about 38 too many. Mom has been stockpiling chafing dishes and nonstick skillets, single-handedly driving William Sonoma’s economy. Addressing Mom’s hoarding problem was supposed to be last year but cancelled because no more than three people could fit in her house at one time.

Her mahjong group has volunteered we use their library room since they have their own beef to air with her.

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Jennifer or Jessica, My Brother’s Girlfriend

None of us know for sure because of her Botox addiction. For the longest time we thought Chris was bringing a new girlfriend to each family function. We were shocked to learn they were all Jennifer (or Jessica—we’ve lost track.). Her friends can’t speak to her because they no longer recognize her, so it’s up to us to conduct an intervention that should have been happened procedures ago.

Sometime before swimsuit season.

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Our Car Guy

Technically not family, Dad always said Gus is like family, so we have to do something or he will feel left out. It can be more of a roast– he has been overcharging us for two decades.

Location: The Olive Garden, “where they treat you like family.” Not our family but someone’s family.

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Nephew Kyle

It’s just a question of corralling Kyle, now a fledgling electronics dance music artist living in my aunt’s basement with an iguana named Drogon, who sleeps till 3pm. We’re ignoring his laser, UFO, and Red Bull addictions and focusing on his name change, Marshmello Sax. We’ll have to trick him and say we want to buy fireworks or something.

Details to come.

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Uncle Frank

We’ve survived three Trump Thanksgivings. What we cannot stand for is you now finding God.

If you get vaccinated, your favorite restaurant.

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Little Nora

Who encouraged her to do stand-up? How many times will we have to driving around in the middle of the night looking for places called Funny Bones? Can we stop fake-laughing when my little niece does twenty minutes on getting groped in the Appleby’s parking lot? All reasonable questions to ask when we confront her

May 20th, at The Chuckle Shack in Mahwah, New Jersey.