We at Amazon Music Find Your Playlists Concerning

Dear Josh,

Amazon Music would like to thank you for being a dedicated customer. We recognize that there are a lot of streaming service providers, and we appreciate the opportunity to help you create the ultimate music experience. That said, we have detected some concerning trends in your playlists that we feel need to be addressed immediately. 

We notice your playlist entitled “Stacey,” which is no doubt intended for your lovely wife. While the collection of 80s soft rock is a flattering gesture on your part, our records indicate that the only person who has ever listened to this playlist is you, alone in your darkened basement, with wine. We find this a tad cringe. Not that we are in a position to offer relationship advice, but perhaps showering Stacey with flowers and chocolate would be the preferred method of gratitude going forward. If interested, we know a good delivery website.

While we find it amusing that you have a playlist entitled “Eyes,” in which you’ve successfully identified two dozen songs with said body part in the title, we also find that title to be an odd choice for a playlist. “Stranger Eyes,” by The Cars, “Lyin’ Eyes,” by the Eagles, and “Angry Eyes,” by Loggins and Messina are great tunes but scream “Trust Issues.” The Board would like to know how Stacey feels about this.

We consider that workout playlists are fine. However, three of yours—all with the same DMX slow song—are troubling. After consultation with the therapists at Amazon Music, we are concerned that you might be experiencing repetition compulsion, which is an unconscious, often Freudian, attempt to reenact painful and unresolved experiences of youth in some misguided attempt at closure. You may want to get that looked at.

We agree that a grunge playlist is a fine (indeed, almost mandatory) choice for someone old enough to have made mix tapes in their youth and who probably burned CDs for road trips that were ultimately ruined because no one thanked you for your Herculean effort to provide road music. However, we draw your attention to this well-recognized fact: Early 90s U2 is not grunge music. 

We also certainly feel that very few people understand the commitment involved in making a playlist from a cell phone. Blurry eyes, numb hands, and low battery warnings are just some of the consequences of a futile attempt at finding that one obscure Steely Dan song that would blow partygoers away—but doesn’t actually exist. No Steely Dan song is obscure. Inevitably, you end up settling for “Kid Charlemagne” yet again. You know it, we know it, and Stacey knows it.

On a related note, “Kid Charlemagne,” does not need to appear on every playlist you create. Nor does that one DMX slow song.

Please take the time to pare down your playlists, for our sanity and yours.

Thank you for choosing Amazon Music as your streaming service, and say hi to Stacey for us.

Sincerely,

Amazon Music