Wendy’s Daily Planner
5:30 AM– Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King.
6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right.
7:30 AM– Meet with the legal team re: toys from kids meals being used by adults as butt plugs.
8:45 AM– Throw a 20 minute breakdown tantrum over losing promotional crossover opportunity with The Flash to McDonald’s, decide to settle for that stupid Barbie movie.
10:30 AM– Regular weekly session with meditation guru, including the much-dreaded Frosty enema.
11:45 AM– Lunch meeting with the ghost of Dad, who again goes on and on complaining that we’re hiring too many immigrants and “weirdos”.
1:00 PM– Midday power nap. Wake up in a panicked sweat from another nightmare about having purchased most of our meat from the Chinese wet-market back in 2019.
5:30 PM– Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace.
11:30 PM– Show up at closest local 24 hr Wendy’s location with a bottle of gin, have my pick of any of the overnight assistant managers.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
