We’re Updating Our Privacy Policy to Allow Us to Watch You in the Shower
Dear subscriber,
Thank you for being a valued member of our community. Now that the new year is upon us, we’d like to fill you in on some changes to our privacy policies. We know—you didn’t ask! Normally we wouldn’t bother you with this super-dull stuff but our legal team (yawn) required it, so start scrolling 😉
Updates to our Privacy Policy include:
· We may use your personal information for marketing and advertising purposes, and to send you content that may be of interest to you
· We may share your personal information with third-party partners and affiliates
· We may watch and record you in the shower
Right now you’re probably thinking to yourself: Content that may be of interest to me?! Ugh, I’ve already got enough content, thank you very much!
We hear you, we really do. But trust us, based on the information that we’ve already gathered about you, we’re confident that we can deliver some truly compelling content! Just wait for the hilarious memes we’re going to send while watching you scrub yourself clean, your head tilted back as the water pours down your naked chest, your muscles sore and tired, your bare skin swelling from the heat. How about a bulldog riding a skateboard? Its muzzle is all slobbery! And hello—who gave it sunglasses?!
There’s been a lot of talk about data breaches and cyber attacks in the news lately, and we want you to know that we take your privacy very seriously. To protect your personal information from prying eyes, we use one of the most advanced encryption protocols available, AES-256—the only algorithm listed by the National Institute of Standards and Technology for protecting classified data. So you can rest assured that images of your lithe, soaped-up, naked body will be viewed exclusively by our employees (and third party partners and affiliates).
A final update: we have also added a new section to your account entitled “Your Choices,” which describes in one place the different types of privacy choices available to our users. For example, have you ever casually mentioned to a friend that you’ve always wanted to go to Paris, and then an hour later, on your laptop, gotten a banner ad for a flight to Paris? Creepy, right? Well, now you can scroll to your account settings with those long, lean, hard-working fingers, select “serendipity”, and you won’t receive an ad for at least seventy-two hours—plenty enough time to outwit the short-term intuitive pattern recognition of the human mind.
Whew, this is a long email. I bet it’s worn you out! Time for a relaxing shower to get the kinks out of those knotted-up back muscles. Which reminds us—you might want to get that mole on your shoulder blade checked out, the edges are a little irregular. And hey, you don’t need to shave everything.
Thank you again for being part of our community!
- About the Author
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Panio Gianopoulos is a Greek-American writer and editor. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s, LitHub, Tin House, Salon, Big Fiction, and the Brooklyn Rail, among others. He is the author of the novella, A Familiar Beast, and the story collection, How to Get Into Our House and Where We Keep the Money. He is also the co-founder and editorial director of The Next Big Idea Club, a nonfiction book discovery platform and subscription book club. He is currently working on a novel. Twitter: @panio Instagram: @paniogianopoulos
