A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk

“Looking forward to the weekend?” usually means “I’m telepathically communicating with your future self, who seemingly overdid it at the all you can eat baked potato bar.”

“The bus must be running late today.” usually means ” I’m afraid that if I start screaming, I may never be able to stop.”

“If you could only listen to one band for the rest of your life, what would it be?” usually means “My splotchy, flaking skin is simply the chrysalis from which my ultimate form will emerge, devouring reality and all that you hold dear.”

“Pretty chilly today!” usually means “The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises.”

“Is this the only rodeo that comes through town on a regular basis?” usually means “I’ve been sneaking fiberglass insulation into my elderly neighbor’s Metamucil for the past several months.”

“These caterers are really great, don’t you think?” usually means “Khorvath, Harvester of Souls, who traverses the spaces between time and space, life and death… bestow upon me your eternal will and understanding. Praise Khorvath, deliver your wisdom through pain!!”

“What’s the coolest road trip you’ve ever been on?” usually means “This morning I woke up from a fitful sleep, covered in a dark, viscous liquid. Blood… but not my blood. Oh God, have I done it again?”

“Has it been along week, or is it just me?” usually means “I’m so lonely that I’ve been hesitant to get rid of my tapeworm.”

“This weather has been crazy, right?” usually means “May I jump from the roof of this floating car to the roof of your floating house?”

by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence