Fall TV Preview!

This Is Useless (Wednesdays, ABC)   Yet another dour hour of humorless hand-wringing meant to cash in on something that wasn’t that great to begin with, This Is Useless continues the human brain’s transformation into useless pudding via inane storylines that would test the patience of an armless diaper changer. At least it’s so bland and flavorless that it won’t offend anyone, so there’s that.  (Norman Fell Jr, Valerie Bertinelli, Donkey Kong)


Strip Poker (Tuesdays, FOX)   Audiences seem to be digging the resurgence of prime-time game shows, so hey, here’s another one! But how can we air a program that features prominent nudity during family dinner hour?   Easy! Simply feature contestants, who, due either to traumatic injury, unfortunate birth circumstances or surgical mishaps, no longer have private parts. Safe and fun for the whole family!!   (Hosted by Nicholas Cage, very amped up on anti-depression meds)


The Void (Sundays, FOX)   From the producers of the hit tv show The Voice comes another soulless cash-in (quite literally in this case)! Dispensing with any formalities or decorum, talentless contestants stand before the Void, a swirling, mesmerizing gateway between our dimension and a nightmarish hell-scape of eternal suffering and torment, and offer up their souls in exchange for even the tiniest sliver of fame and glory. “The Void will swallow you all, bow trembling before it’s glory!”, enthuses a glassy-eyed Blake Shelton, before adding “And brought to you by Pepsi Zero!” (Hosted by Robin Thicke and Tori Spelling)


America’s Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it’s hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won’t be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)


Shark Tanked (Thursdays, NBC)   How much would we have to pay someone in order for them to semi-willingly get into a large tank with a drunken shark?   A lot less than you’d imagine, actually. And nothing that can’t be quickly recouped with a single Frosted Flakes commercial anyway, so no biggie. (Hosted by Tara Reid )


Kids Say Some Fucked Up Shit, Right? (Mondays, CBS) Very similar to the popular TV show, Kids Say The Darndest Things, but featuring children who have been culled from juvenile detention centers from around the country. Andrew “Dice” Clay has nothing on these genuinely frightening rascals!   (Hosted by Dana Carvey as The Church Lady)


Bloke Lightening (Wednesdays, CW)   The exact same show as our Black Lightening program, but we’ve given the title character a British accent. Watch both, we’d greatly appreciate it!  (George Foreman, Hugh Grant, Sally Field)


The Walking Recently Dead (Sundays, AMC)   You know, it takes quite a bit of our budget to outfit dozens of actors with gory zombie make-up.  Not to mention the CGI for the really messed-up zombies. And particularly when you take into account the fact that these shows aren’t really pulling in the ratings that they once did. Our solution? Zombies that haven’t been dead for very long, and therefore don’t require much in the way of special effects.   Basically just a group of people with dirty clothes and some mud rubbed onto their faces. Plus what little make-up appliances are needed will be edible, so we save on the craft services bills as well! We’re so smart.  (Tina Yothers, Michael Gross, Justine Bateman, Meredith Baxter Birney)


Mr. Belvedere-ish  (Tuesdays, ABC) Audiences seem to love our series of sitcoms with the “ish” suffix added to the title, so we figured, what the hell, we’ll just add an “ish” to old reruns of Mr. Belvedere and see what happens. With any luck, you folks will turn out to be as stupid as our best testing indicates. (Mr. Belvedere, Bob Uecker, Wesley)


Hey, Can Someone Help Me Open This Jar Of Peanut Butter?  (Fridays, FOOD) Cooking isn’t all about the glamour and the limelight, you know. Sometimes you just need to spruce up the taste of a cracker. or half of a breakfast burrito in the fridge. So, seriously, can you help me open this jar of peanut butter? It’s really being a little bitch right now.  (Kathie Lee Gifford, whoever is willing to work with Kathie Lee Gifford)


Paranormal CrackTivity (Sundays, TRAVEL)   New ghost-hunting show that dares to ask the terrifying question, “Is this an actual haunted house, or does it just look sort of scary and shitty because it’s a crack house?”  Regardless of the answer, genuine thrills, chills and various liquid spills are a certainty! (Fat Guy In Overalls, Fat Guy In Hoodie, Even Fatter Guy In Ill-Fitting Fangoria T-Shirt)