Short on cash because those pesky Democrats are always shutting down the government? Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross has a host of relatable tips designed to help you weather even the most diabolical efforts of the Dems.
Sell one of the pieces of your $100 million dollar art collection.
Sure it’s a sacrifice but Wilbur suggests parting with one of the minor but valuable pieces of your collection. “I wouldn’t let The Pilgrim by Magritte go. But I’d sell one of American Pre-Raphaelites, that should keep fuel in all of the powerboats.”
Lease out your one of your helicopters.
A backup helicopter, just in case the first one gets filled up with empty champagne bottles, is admittedly a luxury in these troubled times, Wilbur admits. He advises making do with just one helicopter per mansion.
Check your leather couches.
Wilbur isn’t above dividing into his buttery, soft leather couches if funds are running low. “There’s likely a few bushels of Certificates of Deposits in between the cushions.” Wilbur says. “Check yours. You might surprise yourself and find that you don’t just have enough for groceries. You’ve got a enough to buy a whole grocery chain!”
Charter a private plane to visit one of your Cayman Island banks.
While it’s a bother with the air traffic controllers messing things up, there’s a simple workaround according to Ross. “Fly out of a smaller airport. Your journey to the Cayman’s will be far more pleasurable than commercial flights you might have to wait in line for. And you’ll arrive, fresh and invigorated, ready to fill your briefcase with stacks and stacks of hundreds.”
Get Goldman Sachs on the horn.
If you find yourself unable to pay for diapers for your offspring, just give Goldman Sachs CEO, David Solomon a ring. Ross suggested that Solomon will get right on the case and make sure that you can stay liquid enough to deal with all the liquids and solids in your child’s life. Or just pop over to his table at Le Benardin if you’re in midtown at lunchtime. “David would love to hear from you,” assured Ross.
Forgo skin products.
“I’ve saved a lot of the money over the years by not using no skin products.” Ross says “And while I look like the human version of one those shrunken apple heads crossed with someone you’d see on The Walking Dead, it’s paid off. Beggar children rarely ask me for coins because my face reminds them of something that might crawl out of a sewer.”
Grab some gold bars.
“I usually hold down stacks of paper with an array one-kilo gold bars. If things are tight though, you might want to take a gold bar or two down to the food store and ask them to prepare you a bowl of French Onion soup,” says Ross.
Care little about ethics.
“One of the things that most important about navigating a shutdown is preparation.” Ross claims. “I prepare for a shutdown with a vigorous shorting of stocks, refusing to divest my holdings, and cozying up to defacto dictators who can enrich me.”
Shop at the airport.
“There’s always some clever bargains to be had on mixed nuts, bottled water, and saltwater taffy,” says Ross.
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Chaco is a writer from the Bay Area. He is very tall and wishes that he could still dunk a basketball.