Dear loyal airline customer, we thank you for your patience while we process your lost luggage claim. We are happy to report that your luggage is not lost. Rather, it has pursued a different flight path. One of its own choosing.
Our company’s goal is to help travelers find a comfortable means of getting to where they’re headed. Like our commitment to flying you safely and comfortably to your destination, Newark, we are also committed to making sure your bag is where it’s meant to be: in Zurich.
We take pride in our customer service skills, and our ability to handle the needs of both travelers and their luggage. Which is why we gave you a complimentary voucher for a free soft drink at Auntie Anne’s to apologize for your last-minute flight cancellation. You’ll be happy to know that your luggage experienced no delay in traveling to Zurich. We were so appreciative that your luggage chose our airline for its first trip that we gifted your luggage a free upgrade to first class, complete with a five-course meal, prepared by our very own Michelin star chef.
Now, we understand it must be a bit of a shock to be without your luggage. Especially given that you’ve told us several times that you have “an important job interview” that you fear you might miss. Don’t worry! Instead, bask in the knowledge that upon arrival, your luggage swiftly exchanged your suit for a fine Swiss necktie. Soon enough, you’ll be on your plane enjoying a similarly high quality fabric: a small scratchy blanket that is most definitely clean.
Our airline wishes to reaffirm our desire to lighten your load, both metaphorically and physically. After all, traveling can be stressful! So, please take a seat at your gate, which has been unexpectedly reassigned to the opposite side of the airport. Without the burden of your bag, it shouldn’t be a challenge to sprint to your aircrafts’ new location. You should have a relaxing five seconds to sit back and slide through the crack of the boarding doors like Indiana Jones.
And speaking of adventurers, we regret to inform you that your luggage does not plan to return. We learned that your luggage had a one-way ticket, so returning was never in its itinerary. Instead of begging for a pathetic reimbursement, celebrate that your luggage has found a much nicer home.
Unfortunately, it appears you did not make it to your gate on time. While you wait for the next flight, which is in six hours, please enjoy scrolling through the Instagram page that your luggage has recently created. There, you can learn, in excruciating detail, that your luggage is enjoying a Swiss chocolate and cheese train tour. It does look quite fun, doesn’t it?
Take a load off and curl up in the only chair available at your gate. The one in between a sweaty guy and an even sweatier guy. Close your eyes and kick your feet back, as one of your seatmates takes off his shoes. As you fall asleep, picture your luggage nestled snugly in its own private room at a five-star hotel.
Again, we thank you for your unwavering loyalty. We hope to see you on a future trip. Perhaps one day to visit your luggage in Zurich?
In the meantime, we’d like to check the carry-on you are desperately clutching, free of charge, as we’re guaranteed to run out of overhead space before you board. Besides, we sense another future adventurer and we know how well your carry-on would fare in Hawaii.
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Nat Hrvatin is a writer, educator, and performer from Cleveland, Ohio. Her work has appeared in The Belladonna, Slackjaw, The Broadway Beat, and others. Find her on Twitter and Instagram as @NatHrvatin, or at nathrvatin.com.