Juliet awakens and sees Romeo lying on the ground. A house has fallen on him.
JULIET: Oh, Romeo. I don’t think we’re in Verona anymore.
Juliet clicks her heels together three times.
JULIET: There’s no place like Rome. There’s no place like Rome. There’s no place like Rome.
Lady and Lord Capulet enter, along with Friar Lawrence and Nurse.
JULIET: It wasn’t a dream. It was real. You were there, and you, and you, and you! And you’re all to blame for Romeo’s death!
Juliet, alone in her room, leans against her bed to pray.
JULIET: Are you there, God? It’s Me, Juliet. I just kissed this boy at a party and it turns out my family hates him! I should probably listen to them, but he’s so cute! Please help me decide. I’ve waited so long for my period, and it still hasn’t come. My mother said she was eleven when her period arrived, which makes me worry. If my period comes, I’ll take it as a sign that I should not date Romeo.
Romeo enters, calling for Juliet.
ROMEO: Sweet lady, can I kiss you again?
Juliet’s face lightens up, she approaches her balcony. Then, her face drops as her hands drop to her belly. She bends over in pain. Juliet has gotten her period.
Enter Friar John, who was supposed to deliver a letter to Romeo notifying him of Juliet’s plan, but was prevented from entering Mantua due to the plague.
Friar John yells at the city’s walls.
FRIAR JOHN: I’M LATE! I’M LATE!
Friar John spots a hole nearby. He dives inside to be alone with his regret.
In Friar Lawrence’s shack, Juliet asks for a way to avoid marrying Paris, as she is already married to Romeo.
JULIET: You want me to fake my own death? You must be positively dotty!
FRIAR LAWRENCE: Rude, insolent girl. Either follow my orders or GO TO THE CHOKEY!!!
JULIET: I may be small, but I do have telekinetic powers.
Juliet uses her powers to pilfer coins from Friar Lawrence’s collection plate. She escapes with Romeo.
FRIAR LAWRENCE: Rotten, star-crossed maggots.
Juliet refuses to marry Paris, so her parents send her to her room without dinner.
LADY CAPULET: If you do not get married, you will become a wild thing!
Juliet stomps to her room and fastens her favorite wimple around her head: the one with ears sewn onto the top.
That night, a forest grows in Juliet’s room, covering her balcony in vines. She climbs down her balcony and races into the forest where she will meet strange beasts with glowing yellow eyes who roar at her.
JULIET: Be quiet!
As a teenager, Juliet has mastered staring down her enemies. The wild things cower in fear. They declare her Queen of the Wild Things, which is a way better title than any she could earn through marriage.
Laura Ingalls Wilder
After Romeo learns of his exile, he visits her again at her balcony.
ROMEO: Oh Juliet, let’s run away together! We can move out west!
JULIET: But, what will Ma and Pa say? They’ll miss me terribly!
ROMEO: Think of the life we can have together. I’ll hitch a covered wagon, we’ll buy us a little ol’ farm. Your controlling parents will be miles and miles away!
Nurse, who has been eavesdropping as per usual, steps in between the couple.
NURSE: Romeo, you’re a noble. Do you even dress yourself without the help of a servant? Your ability to speak in poetic verse is no prerequisite for surviving on a prairie.
Romeo, deeply offended, sulks as he descends the balcony. A horse gallops towards Romeo, quickening its pace. Romeo, too distracted by his own melancholy, is trampled by the horse.
Below is an excerpt from Pilkey’s new novel: Lord Undergarments and the Definitely Doomed Lover of Verona
The Apothecary, whom Romeo consulted to buy poison, is rearranging items on his shelf. He grabs a bottle and inspects the label.
APOTHECARY: Oh, it seems like I didn’t sell that guy a bottle of poison after all. All I’m missing is my hypnosis powder, which makes people turn into the action hero of their dreams.
MEANWHILE: in the Capulet’s tomb, Romeo has stripped down to his breeches and fashions a cape out of Juliet’s veil.
ROMEO: I AM LORD UNDERGARMENTS!!!
Juliet wakes up and sees Romeo running around the crypt, climbing onto tombs and jumping off of them, and making whooshing sounds. She decides to lie back and play dead. Again.
ROMEO: Juliet, goodbye! I must fight crime!
Juliet awakens from her tomb and realizes she has been buried alive. She is surrounded by the decaying bones of dead Capulets. Also, she is covered in slime.
Juliet screams when she sees Romeo’s corpse on the ground. He is covered in worms and slime.
Lord Capulet marches furiously. He is part werewolf, part venus fly trap.
LORD CAPULET: And that’s why I told you to stay out of the basement!