Your New Amazon Prime Member Services

Dear Prime Member,

You are receiving this email because your membership has been updated in the past year, and also because we strongly believe that no person should have access to unlimited episodes of Rizzoli & Isles without being closely monitored. It’s simply too much power to go unchecked.

We also believe that you should be made aware of the following changes, even though we realize you will never, ever read this. Hell, we didn’t even read it.

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SHOPPING
New benefits

Free Upgrades From Esteban’s World Class Snake Charming Schools Of America C’mon, we’re not stupid. We know what’s going on here. Amazon Prime is a few movies and tv shows that you may want to eventually watch, plus free shipping on a book or two that you’ll read for a day or so before letting it sit on your nightstand, collecting dust for months. And the rest of it is products and services that neither you nor anyone else is going to be remotely interested in. But maybe your brother-in-law pissed you off at that barbecue last fall, and you think that it’d be funny to send him a snake charming kit in the mail, which yes, does include a real snake! That’s where your Prime membership becomes so valuable. We’ll even say that it was a mistake and blame it on shipping or something, so that your wife doesn’t get pissed. We’re extremely powerful now, and can pretty much do whatever we want.

Free Shipping On Items That You Could Simply Pick Up For Less At Target If You Weren’t So Damned Lazy Leave your pants off, and allow us to deliver you that package of paper towels and Family Size box of Lucky Charms (even though we know that you live by yourself, you rascal!) straight to your house! Don’t worry, we’ll do our best to make sure that you never have to interact with another human being again. Ever.

Updated benefits

Secure package drop-off Tired of feeling anxious and worried about having a package stolen from your porch or mailbox? We have the perfect solution! Now with each at home delivery, we also leave a large pit bull trained to sit next to your package and guard said item(s) with their lives. So, it’s like getting a free dog! (note- not responsible for helping you get your new items away from the dog)

Broken Items Guarantee Oh crap, another Harry Potter deluxe collectible has arrived broken in the mail! First of all, really? You’re never going to meet anyone of quality with all of that goofy shit in your living room. Secondly, we’ve got your back! Just let us know about any damaged items delivered by Amazon, and we’ll send you a small tube of glue in the mail, usually within a month or two! In the meantime, why don’t you check out eHarmony or something?

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ENTERTAINMENT

Updated benefits

Prime Video Have you ever wanted to watch every single episode of Gunsmoke, or a seven hour documentary on the plight of the homeless in Detroit? It’s all here, and for free!! (well, not counting the yearly fee of a hundred bucks, plus). Or would you prefer to watch a newer movie, something that’s been in the theater during the past half a year or so? That will be $15, please! Ha ha, gotcha!

Amazon Photos We’ve totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you “accidentally” load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You’re very lucky that we like you.

For more information on Prime membership and benefits, click here, or simply get frustrated and go back to using Netflix.

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Did you find this Prime benefits update helpful? Would you like to help us out by taking a quick survey? If not, don’t worry about it, we can get answers to all of our questions just by downloading the memory on your Amazon Echo.