10 New Year’s Resolutions Written For You by Your Jewish Mother

  1. Lose a little weight, will you? At the rate you nosh babka, I’ll be the Bubbe of a food baby come spring.

  1. Stop with the midday coffees and go to bed at a reasonable hour. I know you think it’s cute to look like a raccoon, but you’re going to catch a cold.

  1. Read a book once in a while. I swear – if Instagram didn’t have captions your generation would be illiterate.

  1. Put yourself out there and meet someone nice [Jewish]. You can’t marry your phone. I know because I looked it up.

  1. You spend too much money on eating out and car services. If your great-grandfather could escape from a Russian pogrom, you can max out your 401K contributions.


  1. Get a hobby! Rabbi Bronstein met his second wife swing dancing.


  1. You’re done smoking because your Bubbe Rose died of lung cancer. Do you want to die of lung cancer? I didn’t think so. Now – check to see if the package I sent you arrived. It’s a box of nicotine lozenges.

  1. I don’t understand what you do for employment, but I know your boss works you too hard for too little. It’s time you ask for a raise or better yet, find a new job I understand and can easily brag about to Susan at mahjong.

  1. Get organized. Until your home no longer resembles a frat house, Daddy and I will continue to stay at the Sheraton when we visit you. Also, absolutely no one asked me to, but I compiled a list of house cleaning services in your area. Pick one and I’ll set up an appointment.


  1. Relax! You’re so wound up all the time. I’ve written you a to-do list to lighten your load.