17 Extinct Dog Breeds
(odysseus spotrolae)
HALmatians saw their popularity surge after Stanley Kubrick’s 2001 HALmatians hit cinemas in 1968. Shortly after, animal shelters from around the country started reporting an increase in unwanted HALmatians, many of them given as gifts to children. Parents soon regretted this error as they realized that while this breed can at first seem helpful, kind and full of human emotion, they are also capable of cold dispassionate murder.
Glockapoo
(gunanus familiaris)
This toy breed was first introduced in Tibet at the turn of the 13th century by peasant farmers who used them to protect their livestock from wolves and to guard their property from bandits. However, they were only bred for a short period of time due to the fact that they accidentally shot everyone who knew how to breed them in the face whenever they got a little too excited playing fetch.
Sled Dog
(tobogganae mushmush)
Sled dogs were considered a crime of nature and an affront to God after scientists successfully spliced the genes of a canine with the genes of a sled. Once it was discovered easier to have dogs pull a sled instead of be a sled, they discontinued the experiment.
Citizen Kane Corso
(xanadutus rosebudium)
The rise and fall of the Citizen Kane Corso reads much like a Greek tragedy. You’ll find that the more you examine its history you start to see a complex portrait of a breed that rose from obscurity to the top of the canine mountain only to fall back to earth as a broken shell of a dog that let power, greed and corruption go to its head. May the existence of the Citizen Kane Corso serve as a cautionary tale for the follies of man as well.
Afghan Hog Hound
(blanketus theftallumus)
The Afghan Hog Hound originated in the Isle of Man in 1792 after a hearing impaired breeder thought a local farmer asked for a ‘SHEET’ dog. Lamentably this breed was not known for its ability to heard sheets, but rather to steal them from their masters. It wasn’t until the harsh, tragic winter of 1821 when the entire village of Laxey was found frozen and half eaten by two Afghans were all comfy womfy in the entire town’s blankets that breeders decided enough was enough. A tragic, but adorable end to a truly unique breed.
Schnozer
(proboscis honkersius)
Schnozers were bred for their outstanding eyesight which assisted Danish hunters in the wilderness of Silkeborgskovene. After the invention of binoculars, the breed was eventually retired and its modern day descendants are now known as ‘drug seeing dogs.’
Fabridore Retriever
(fiercius slayium)
This Italian gentleman was one of the most beautiful dogs to ever walk the face of the earth. It was the type of dog that men wanted to be and women wanted to be with and that was precisely the problem. There was only one ever bred and this genetic misfit was the progeny of a golden retriever and a Italian greyhound who mated on the sexiest beach in Milan at dusk while a sexy guitarist named Raphael played the sexiest sonata on his guitar. The dog came out so unbelievably good looking that all other dogs felt it to be way too out of their league and were too shy to mate. A sad end to one of the most graceful dogs on this list.
Cybill Shepherd
(lunarluz rubio)
The popularity of this flaxen haired variety has fluctuated over the last 50 years. In the 70’s, this breed was coveted by coastal elites for its beauty, but envious dog show judges shamed ‘Sibbies’ out of the limelight until the mid 80’s where it regained adoration in primetime as the family dog ‘Comet’ on the show Full House.
Asset Hound
(401k9)
Dogs have been bred to guard and protect for thousands of years, but if you needed a dog to protect your financial investments it was this breed. This dog was so good at what it did that it took years to realize that every single one of them had been embezzling money from their masters and by the time they found out it was already too late. They had taken their families and moved to the Ozarks and went into hiding.
American Invisible Terrier
(whereishe unseenozoa)
Popular among allergy sufferers, Invisies were hairless and possessed little dander. Unfortunately they were prone to becoming lost and were difficult to train due the uncertainty of whether or not they were even in the room.
Cock-A-Doodle-Poo
(eggius buckbuck)
Native to the Lincolnshire and Cornwall regions of The United Kingdom the Cock-A-Doodle-Poo was a breed of doodle-poo hound known for their delicious eggs and obnoxious screams. The breed was fairly common in English households for nearly two centuries until they saw their popularity decrease due to the rise of the chicken which was much cheaper to care for and far less aggressive towards children.
Pappyon
(elderium grampisius)
This ill-fated, short lived species were all born as elderly dogs. Lovingly referred to as ‘Benjamin Muttons’, this breed was known for its rambling, nonsensical stories.
Mustachioed Collie
(handelbarium lassilis)
This breed has undergone many changes throughout its existence; both aesthetic and personal. Originally bred with a large handlebar to honor the Kaiser, it gradually diminished to the style of the ‘toothbrush mustache’, popular at the time with film stars and fascist dictators. As a result, the breed eventually fell out of favor with the general population.
Bald Beagle
(glabrascola monoxodilis)
Benjamin Franklin is said to have turned heads as he lobbied to have either the turkey or the bald beagle as the national bird. His judgment started to get called into question because the bald beagle was a dog; not a bird and turkeys weren’t even invented yet. Historians suspect this was a result of Franklin’s syphilitic insanity.
Palmeranian
(phylangesis floofli)
A toy breed known for its ability to hold a basketball and to tell the future the Palmeranian became threatened after the invention of gloves and mittens which led to its inevitable suffocation.
Muttnik
(astrorbitera woofli)
Although not quite extinct, Muttniks orbit the earth in search of spy satellites and can be seen only once every 32 years on the western horizon at dusk.
Bernard
(soy un perdedor)
This dog never had a chance. The biggest loser on the list spent the duration of their pathetic fucking lives living in a kind aunt’s house who charged very reasonable rent, but they still couldn’t pay it on time because they worked their entire miserable life in a thankless job that paid very little money because they had some delusional fantasy of becoming the next great American novelist. This breed fizzled out much like the Fabrador Retriever, but for opposite reasons.
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