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5 Ways to Spice up Your Relationship with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak
Every serious relationship goes through dry spells. It’s completely normal. You see each other every night, every morning. You eat meals together and watch the same television shows. And that’s all before you get home to your wife after hanging out with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. How do you get out of this day-to-day grind? Here are five ways to spice up your relationship with your Russian intermediary once the exhilarating “infatuation phase” has ended.
Don’t be afraid to tell the ambassador exactly what you want
How can your dubious Russian contact give you a foot massage if you never ask for one? He’s recording your phone calls, not reading your mind. You’d be surprised what agents of the old Soviet state will do as long as you ask. It’s always important to remember when you’re betraying your country, you’re not betraying yourself.
Take separate vacations
Eh, wouldn’t it be nice if you could just enjoy the safe house in Prague without always being next to a Russian state actor? Sometimes you just want to explore a randomly picked eastern European city by yourself without someone building a dossier on you. It’s not a comment on your relationship to take separate vacations every now and then. A little bit of healthy distance will allow you to miss Sergey Kislyak and thus remind you why you wanted to completely fuck your country to begin with.
Have sex without the “sex”
After you’re in a relationship for a while, the buildup to sex is usually cast away, and with it, a lot of the spontaneity and fun of intimacy. Remove the goal of sex from your relationship. Sometimes you’ll find sensually rubbing an ice cube around Sergey’s belly button is a lot more fun.
Role play
Don’t be afraid to indulge each other with a little bit of make believe. Is your fantasy putting on a fake mustache and handing Sergey a briefcase on a park bench? Don’t be a traitor to your most basic desires.
Surprise him in the shower
The ultimate male fantasy. And the last time I looked, Sergey Kislyak was a man, mortal and all. Let’s not be bashful! After all, it seems no one is looking into any of this shit at all.
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Matt Rotman is a writer, humorist, and filmmaker based out of San Diego, CA. His work has been featured in National Lampoon, Daily Grindhouse, Weekly Humorist, Delirium, and Diabolique Magazine. He currently runs the Bonkers Ass Cinema film blog, and his first book of the same name is due out in August 2022 by BearManor Media.
