Rover, Red Rover Let Vladimir Come Over
A childhood game that has withstood the test of time. Rules: Establish two parallel aisles of colleagues. Fold arms cross-wise and hold hands with complicit individuals to your right and left (this is also a good time to pass along envelopes filled with cash from big pharma). One side begins by calling to the other, “Rover, Red Rover Let Vladimir Come Over.” The person called (Vlad) then runs faster than a Soviet gold medalist on steroids, and tries to crash through the linked hands on the other side.
Popular variations include “Let Maria Butina come over” and the chain migration version,“Let Melania Trump’s parents, Viktor and Amalia Knavs come over from Slovenia.”
Mother May I
Popular in the Mr. and Mrs. Mike Pence household! Ask Mother for permission to take three big steps forward, two baby steps backward, or to have a nourishing beverage. Play the game until you are unambiguously sure you need to stop. Once you utter your safe word, “Hannity”, you are out. Advanced players can use restraints and a feather tickler. Bonus points for wearing merch purchased through Trump’s shop site, i.e. MAGA Dog Collar ($15.99) or Trump Pence Dog Hoodie ($35.00).
Steal the Bacon from the Pork Barrel
The object of the game is to spend money on your constituents so they can reward you with votes and campaign contributions. Divide into two teams and designate an object as “the bacon.” Put the bacon in the center, and assign numbers to each side. When the ref calls the number, opponents from both sides race toward the middle to snatch the bacon. The object is to get the bacon back to your mansion’s safe without being caught by the FBI or the Southern District of New York.
A simple game in which a ball is tossed around from one player to another while everyone remains silent after a mass shooting. See Team Mitch Captain for more information (try-outs take place daily).
Divide a court into quadrants. Put a Muslim or brown congresswoman in each corner. Scream at her to go back to where she came from (even if she was born in Massachusetts). Upload your video #SquadGoals
Extra points: if she’s white and lives in Massachusetts, call her “Pocahontas” and tell her to find a teepee.
A perennial favorite at preschools and congressional recess alike, this is a traditional game of tag except once you are tagged, you must lie on your back with your hands and feet in the air and wiggle them like an overturned Loggerhead, Leatherback or Senate Majority Leader stuck on his shell-hump waiting for Elaine Chao.
A variation on the classic “Simon Says” and a GOP must-play. One person pretends to be Donald Trump and says, “Donald says ‘[insert action here]’.” All the players must do what Donald says. If the person doesn’t insert “Donald says” when requesting the action, those who do the action are out. The last person still in office, or not yet roasting in hellfire, wins.
Red Light, Green Light
Ever wonder what it’s like to be an Evening News Host? Play this make-believe game that will test your mettle! 1) When someone calls, “Red Light,” pretend to be Prime Time TV and talk about Russian Collusion for 921 days straight or until you look as bored as Don Lemon. 2) When you hear “Green Light,” consider the monumental responsibility you have to the millions who look to you as their sole source of information. 3) Make-believe you are [insert any evening anchor here] and and consider mentioning our climate emergency—as grave a threat as an asteroid careening toward earth. Tell yourself that we have limited time to reverse course but can avert the worst catastrophe, if only people knew and mobilized swiftly….THEN SAY NOTHING.
Don’t mention that Europe is baking and the Arctic is on fire. And for the love of the crucifix around Laura Ingraham’s neck, don’t show clips of little Greta Thunberg in pigtails, mounted like a hood ornament on the bow of a solar-powered sailboat crossing the Atlantic from Sweden to get to the UN Climate Action Summit.
Anyone who talks about anything other than Russian Collusion is out!!
Wasn’t that fun? Do you feel well-rested and ready to get back to the hard work of wasting taxpayer money? Enjoy your time playing King of the Hill at the Capital and remember, you never need a formal recess to play Hide & Seek from your Constituents. See you next year!!
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Margaret Hetherman is a Brooklyn-based writer whose essays and satire can be found on sites that include McSweeneys, The Belladonna Comedy, BitchMedia, The Establishment, The Rumpus, PointsInCase, LOL Comedy, Purple Clover, Scientific American, with other work on CNN and BBC. She keeps one foot in the Detroit area, specifically at Zingerman’s deli (somewhere between the Reuben and the free samples of olive oil).