originals
5 Ways to Manage Your Yeast Infection While Protesting Outside Planned Parenthood
Being a Christian is awfully hard these days. It’s even harder when you have a yeast infection. Nevertheless, you’re stuck outside protesting Planned Parenthood, miles away from any kind of help for your lady parts. And making matters worse, the woman with the bullhorn is saying everyone is going to be there until the unborn are free.
But don’t fret! Here are five ways to manage your yeast infection until you can finally leave your spot ten feet from the door of Planned Parenthood.
Ask the Christian group if it knows the difference between a yeast infection and bacterial vaginosis
To be sure, one homeschooled person probably isn’t going to know the answer to this, but fifty homeschooled people together will at least improve the odds of someone having once encountered a truly dirty penis.
Keep your vagina dry and clean with bible passages
Just because the Supreme Court gutted the buffer zone between protesters and desperate women looking for medical assistance, that doesn’t mean they included any towels. Luckily, God took the time to write that Good Book you’re holding right there in your hands. It’s chockfull of enlightening lessons and historic epics—all of which can be ripped out and stuck between your legs.
Think about baseball to help you protest longer
Hey, it’s not always about how hard and fast you go. And in your condition, you’re going to want to take it easy and do your best to transcend the pain. Thinking about baseball statistics will work best to take your mind off your discomfort until the GOP can steal another Supreme Court seat.
Eat bees for their antibiotic properties
I probably don’t need to tell you that honey is a superfood with many medicinal properties, including the ability to kill bacteria. With every bee carrying trace amounts of honey, it’s like a pharmacy just crawled up under your collar and will remain hidden until you decide to scratch yourself.
Don’t sweat the dead baby stuff
In the moment, it may seem like killing babies is a big deal, but please note any kind of additional stress can greatly exacerbate your yeast infection. A matter of fact, it’s best for everyone if you just take a fucking chill pill.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Matt Rotman is a writer, humorist, and filmmaker based out of San Diego, CA. His work has been featured in National Lampoon, Daily Grindhouse, Weekly Humorist, Delirium, and Diabolique Magazine. He currently runs the Bonkers Ass Cinema film blog, and his first book of the same name is due out in August 2022 by BearManor Media.
