69ing to Herd Immunity

“Given the age demographic breakdown of the population, there is a good chance a safe and responsible Controlled Voluntary Infection could get us close to herd immunity months before a vaccine makes 100 percent immunization possible.” – The Federalist, 3/25/20

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If you ask me, our fight against this disease was bungled from the start. If the powers that be had put me in charge, we never would have reached this point. No sir, a crisis like this requires a visionary, someone who’s willing to say the tough stuff the medical community doesn’t want you to hear–like the only way we’re going to lick this thing is by hunting down an infected person and 69ing the hell out of them.

 

Here’s a thought exercise for you: people who are immune to Covid-19 can’t pass it on, so why not put all this science bullshit aside and get down to brass tacks? The clear path forward requires us to leave the safety of our homes, drive straight to the nearest contaminated space and do all the weird sex stuff we’ve threatened to do to strangers on the Internet.

 

Flattening the curve didn’t work. It’s time to embrace the curves of each other’s bodies as we reach out and tenderly caress them. It’s time to engage in some sexual multitasking and go to town on a sick person’s private parts. Pretend you’re a chicken and your partner’s body fluids are barbecue sauce and really let those juices marinate.

 

Take it from me, a guy who argues with doctors on Twitter: what this country needs now is bold leadership, innovative thinking and intense sexual gratification. It’s the only way to build herd immunity and save the species.

 

What Is Controlled Voluntary Infection Through 69ing? 

 

CVI through 69ing is basic economics. What we have right now is a surplus of two things: Covid-19 and abject horniness. What we need to do is harness our basic human desires for touch, intimacy and connection and put them to work infecting every person in this country so we can eventually go back to Olive Garden.

 

Sure, the weak links will die, but the strong will survive and, most importantly, a couple of us will enjoy some solid orgasms. It’s a win win for everyone!

 

Is Controlled Voluntary Infection Through 69ing A Good Idea?

I have no doubt close-minded naysayers will deem this plan “controversial,” “irresponsible,” “dangerous” and “not conceived of by a real doctor.” Others will argue about the potential limitations of this approach. “I stopped 69ing in college” they’ll say or perhaps, “I believe sex is only for procreation, not for taking a Hail Mary stab at suppressing a pandemic.”

 

To these people, my fellow Americans, I implore you: suck it up, take one for the team and expose yourself sexually and medically to this motherfucker. The only path to victory requires us to defy medical advice, tear free the chains of social distancing and mutually pleasure one another into blissful oblivion.

 

Your grandparents are willing to die for the economy; the least you can do is give head so a five-year-old can go back to school.

 

How Would Infecting The Population Through Mass 69ing Work? 

 

Despite what my critics would have you believe, this plan isn’t a free-for-all. The safety of the participants is our utmost concern, which is why we would ask everyone to wear a condom, at least for the first thirty seconds of the encounter.

 

Consent is obviously a requirement, although you may have to listen carefully to make out what your partner is saying between coughing fits.

 

Other than that, have fun! Mix it up! Don’t be deterred by your partner’s excessive sweating and inability to breathe. Their blueish face and feverish temperature just means they are extremely aroused and potentially open to butt stuff.

 

Hypothetically Speaking, If We Were To Adopt This Plan, Could We Call It Covid-69?

 

Obviously. Next question.

 

Would You Be Willing To Go First To Show The Country How Effective This Strategy Really Is? 

 

As the chief architect of this revolutionary plan I would, of course, love to volunteer to test it out. However, I’ve got this hip thing that currently makes sexual flexibility a real challenge. But you guys go ahead and get it started! I’ve crunched the numbers and I assure you, if we opt to 69, we’re sure to emerge from this crisis as number 1.