10 Holiday Gift Ideas That Capture the Essence of 2020

Keys to a new car that has been missing for weeks. This one will be really good if we can just locate that brand-spanking new Porsche. I mean, anything’s possible right?

A half-eaten tide pod. Not enough poison to put you out of your misery, but a good healthy dose of the stuff to chop a solid five years off your life expectancy and turn you into a hypochondriac.

An absentee ballot mailed to the apartment below you. In order to get your hands on your (rightful) gift, you need to call the post office, then the town clerk’s office, then risk your life and fragile immune system to bang on the door of the man below you, endure the stench of tuna from within as he rifles through his mail and then finally return it to its God-given owner (you). Try not to be too upset when angry white guys tell you that this gift Doesn’t Matter when they’re clearly dealing with some personal stuff.

An iPhone 4. The sentiment is there but the gift is absolutely useless and will try to sabotage your life if you dare put it to use.

A gym membership to a luxury fitness studio in Your City, Not Your State because the gift giver failed to read the fine print. I mean, who doesn’t want to drop in the nicest gym in Nashville, North Carolina or New York, Arkansas when you’re there? Because you’re bound to at least cross through there at some point, right? Hey, it’s the thought that counts!

A framed, romantic photo of you and your high school boyfriend who blocked you on social media and went completely AWOL after you broke up seven years ago. Just a bummer wrapped up in a little box. Who needed that?

A $100 gift card to your local spa for a deep-tissue massage that expires in 2 business days. Note that you are out of town for the holiday for the next week.

The Jeans You’d Been Looking For, But Ripped in an Unfixable Spot. This one feels hurtful for no good reason. Some things are better left lost.

A moviepass subscription. They went bankrupt, you say? Well, in some countries (like this one), we’re supposed to act really thankful when people give us gifts. Ungrateful bitch.

A 2020 wall calendar. Just so you can remember what a fun ride it was 🙂