Can the New ‘Masters of the Universe’ Movie Save My Flagging Marriage?
He’s back!
Yes, He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe, returns to the big screen on June 5 in the first live-action Masters of the Universe movie since 1987. Like many long-time fans of this franchise, I have plenty of questions. Is this new movie a faithful adaptation of the classic 1980s Filmation series or does it take some cues from the 2002 reboot and the recent Netflix series? How much of the story takes place on Earth instead of Eternia? Will Orko make an appearance? And, perhaps most importantly, can this movie salvage what’s left of my rapidly-disintegrating marriage?
It’s a tall order, but if anyone can do it, it’s He-Man. Fingers crossed, big guy! You’re gonna need more than the power of Grayskull for this one.
Just seeing the trailer on YouTube took me back to those long-gone days when I’d race home from school each afternoon to watch the show on Channel 12. I’d sit cross-legged in front of the TV, nursing a Capri Sun, totally oblivious to the bleak realities I’d face as an adult. Each episode would end with a lesson, but there are some lessons they never taught us, like how to keep a marriage alive long after the initial physical attraction has dissipated. I guess Man-At-Arms didn’t have any easy platitudes for that one.
Obviously, He-Man has faced some formidable obstacles in his day (who can forget his run-in with Evilseed?), but his trials and travails now seem trivial compared to mine. Even Skeletor and his minions, terrifying as they are, can’t compare to the horror I feel each time I look into the eyes of the woman I’ve been married to for 17 years and see only a stranger staring blankly back at me. Sorry, Sharon, but you’re not exactly Teela. But I realize I’m no Prince Adam either.
Speaking of that, do you suppose there’s a life-sized plush He-Man that you could just sort of curl up with at night? And maybe there’d be some sort of flexible framework inside it so you could wrap its big, strong arms around you and feel protected from the world? Not that it’s a sex thing, you understand. Far from it. More of a comfort thing. Anyway, I’ve seen a lot of MOTU merch in stores lately, everything from gummis to cat treats, but not that specific item. What would something like that even cost? I’m asking purely out of curiosity.
Also, I see that the heroic warrior Fisto is featured prominently in the trailer. Is there any chance that a replica of his iconic oversized fist will be manufactured by those of us who like to engage in cosplay? That’s something I think both Sharon and I could enjoy. Not that Sharon is a fan of Masters of the Universe. In fact, every time I spend money on MOTU merchandise, she complains that I’m “mortgaging our future” and “siphoning the kids’ college funds.” But I think an item like this could change her mind. Would it be made of metal to replicate the look of the original or could it possibly be made out of something softer, like say foam rubber?
Wow, I seem to have gotten a little off-track. Sharon, you may be right. I do have trouble concentrating on a single task for more than a few minutes. That may be something to bring up in our next session with Dr. Abromowitz.
Anyway, I admit it’s a longshot, but I feel like the new Masters of the Universe movie could be a turning point, not just for the He-Man franchise but for me and Sharon as well. If the movie turns out well and somehow finds an audience in the 21st century, that means there is still a place for hope and redemption in this world. If He-Man can rise from the ashes and reclaim the throne of Eternia, maybe Sharon and I can get through a single dinner that doesn’t end up in an argument about what to do with our aging parents.
All that remains to be seen. What I know is that, when the movie opens on June 5, I’ll be there in the movie theater, a Skeletor popcorn bucket in my lap. Maybe I’ll even take the kids with me. If only I knew where they were. SHARON, WHERE ARE THE GODDAMNED KIDS? THEY’RE NOT WITH YOUR MOTHER, ARE THEY? THE WOMAN HAS DEMENTIA, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!
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Originally from Flint, MI, but now making his home in the suburbs of Chicago, Joe Blevins is a self-described darkener of doorsteps and a chronicler of all things that truly do not matter. Of late, he has been wasting the time of readers through The A.V. Club, Splitsider, and his own blog, Dead 2 Rights, which used to be about zombies before those became a cliche. Now it’s about god knows what.
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