More Kids In This Country Should be Going To Clown College
Oh great, it’s graduation season, that time of year when we celebrate all of these people getting “traditional degrees” while the folks getting a real education at clown colleges get no recognition. No celebrities or CEOs come to speak to the folks making balloon animals and riding unicycles who are the real backbone of this country. It’s a pie in the face to all of us.
I get it, back in the day, traditional college used to be a guarantee of success, meanwhile everybody laughed (not in the good way) at the good salt of the earth clowns doing the pratfalls that keep this country moving. But we need to re-calibrate and realize the ROI for a 4-year Bachelors degree or a trade school degree vs a 1-year Bachelors in Buffoonery from Ringling Bros is not what it used to be.
All of these folks learning computer jobs and truck drivers will be rendered useless when automation comes to town and the only jobs left will be blowing balloon animals at kids birthday parties and driving 30 people around in 1 car. Scientists estimate that AI stops pulling scarves out of a hat after only 50 scarves, the technology to replace clowns is not there and likely never will be. Even if clown cars manage to drive themselves, you still need at least 20 clowns to fill it. As long as there are people there will always be a need for shenanigans and hi-jinx.
Kids today need to man up, put on their giant red shoes and get into a practical vocation that people need and can’t get replaced. The entry level pipeline for clowns is always bustling, as long as you can wear a red nose and know your way around an oversized mallet.
That’s not to say clowning is easy work, you can get carpal tunnel from making balloon animals or juggling, and if you fall off of your stilts, forget it! Sure, it’s a long days work but you know when you get home and you look at yourself in the mirror while wiping off your white makeup that you put in an honest day’s work.
I know you kids fantasize about being a lawyer or a plumber, but sometimes you have to grow up and face the circus music. Sorry to burst your balloon animal but someone has to. Life isn’t all spreadsheets and welding like you want it to be, it’s full of monkey business and horsing around.
We have told kids they have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to go to some liberal arts university to get a degree in Philosophy or learn how to fix a car instead of doing something useful like learning how to juggle rubber chickens or how to fill a seltzer bottle properly. They have been left totally unprepared for a world full of hijinks and shenanigans. Kids today can barely honk a horn let alone pull off a sight gag.
I worry about a future where it will be impossible to find a good clown, and the world will be full of doctors and construction workers. The only way to stop this from happening is encouraging every high schooler to wise up and apply to Barnum & Bailey clown college or a safety clown school like Bozo State.
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Connor Adams is a writer and television professional living in New York City. He is from New Jersey and has performed stand up all over the tri-state area and he loves you very much. His writing can be seen on Points In Case, Greener Pastures and Robot Butt.
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