Skipper Administration Drops Charges Against Professor for Vandalizing the Lagoon

The Skipper Administration’s Mary Ann has dropped charges against the Professor for allegedly vandalizing the Lagoon, which has been deep green since the Skipper’s botched efforts to turn that body of water “Skipper Shirt Blue.”

The Skipper immediately blasted the move, bellowing “I disagree with Mary Ann 100% on the lagoon. I don’t know what she was thinking? To me, it was a pure case of VANDALISM!”

In a move apparently timed to avoid making a big splash in the news cycle, Mary Ann filed the brief late this Friday afternoon with the Island District Court, vacating the felony charge she had previously pressed against the Professor–and putting the onus for the failed prosecution on Gilligan, who had completed the work. “Had Giligan been forthcoming with the information clearly in its possession,” the file stated, she “would not have sought a grand jury indictment.”

For his part, the Professor, perhaps best known as a former Island chess champion, had all along claimed that he had merely taken pH readings from the Lagoon. This occurred a week after Gilligan, at the Skipper’s command, had lined the floor of the Lagoon with palm fronds, on the theory that doing so would cause the Lagoon to take on the hue of the Skipper’s short-sleeve polo shirt. The Lagoon “never had the color people wanted,” said the Skipper, “but now it’s going to have the great color.”

However, within hours, the Lagoon turned sea-weed green.

The change evinced mixed reactions from other Islanders. “I’m against all change, but there’s one good thing about this one,” exclaimed Thurston Howell III. “Which is?” asked his wife, Lovey Howell, to which Mr. Howell replied, “Now it’s the color of money!” Ginger Grant blasted the move. “If a man wants a beautiful color,” purred the glamorous former movie star, “he can gaze into a girl’s eyes.”

Rather than admitting failure, the Skipper doubled-down. “There may have been some contractor difficulty,” he said, while waving a bamboo shoot menacingly, “but the major damage was caused by VANDALS!” He also targeted “Radical Left Lunatics who have spent their lives trying to ruin our Island,” for “some real problems with Vandalism at the beautiful Lagoon.” Without evidence, he blamed “multiple individuals for vandalizing our Island’s magnificent Lagoon. Who would do such a thing? These are very serious crimes having to do with the destruction of Island Monuments. Years in jail!”

The filing represented a turnaround for Mary Ann, who at a press conference had claimed “We can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the Professor caused damage. And that damage is over 1,000 coconuts,” citing the Island’s legal currency. When asked how that amount was determined, Mary Ann snapped: “With an expert. Come to the trial.”

“He damaged it,” Mary Ann repeated several times over journalists’ questions. “He damaged this Lagoon.”

Meanwhile the Skipper doubled down on his accusations.”Look for yourselves at the VANDALISM that took place at The Lagoon,” he yelled, to no one in particular. “The material is being cut with a knife or a box cutter, for all to see!”

But in her filing on Friday, Mary Ann admitted that the damage was consistent around the Lagoon’s perimeter “where a vandal would not be able to peel the palm fronds.” Rather, ”the damage was the result of a botched installation and not vandalism,” and she blamed the lining’s failure on “a rushed and flawed installation process, with repeated failures of the lining during the installation process, and extensive peeling of the lining throughout the Lagoon.”

“It’s not the right color, but at least the Lagoon is a little bit more like your shirt in one way,” Gilligan said cheerfully to the Skipper. “How’s that, Little Buddy?” his commanding officer asked, to which Gilligan replied, “They’re both really starting to smell.”

“Why, I’ll show you smell!” the Skipper snarled, then took off his captain’s hat and repeatedly smacked Gilligan on the head with it. Next, he smiled and said “Thank you for your attention to this matter!”