The Skipper Addresses the Professor’s Coconut Enrichment Threat

The following transcript is excerpted from the Skipper’s recent address to the Castaway Island General Assembly:

“The Skipper-Gilligan hut’s economy is the envy of the Island. Our military is second to none, and we are leading in virtually everything. Our coconuts are fueling the Island.  Our hut is doing better than ever before, and our future is very, very bright. Since I took office, we have collected more than 1 hundred bananas, and more castaways are working today by far than ever before.

And just as we moved quickly to address problems we inherited at home, we have acted with decisiveness and speed to reshape the Island stage and solve problems that have plagued us for far too long.

There is no better example of a danger that was allowed to gather strength at the Island’s peril than the number one sponsor of terror, the Professor. For years, his fanatical regime has ruled his hut by bloodshed and mass murder, spreading coconuts and chaos across the clearing in front of his hut and beyond. He was the bully of the Island, but he is the bully no more.

Upon taking office last year, I immediately opened negotiations with the Professor and offered him full economic cooperation in exchange for ending his coconut-cream enrichment program but he refused.  He absolutely refused. That was a big mistake. Then in Operation Midnight Banana, I ordered Gilligan to obliterate his enrichment program beneath mountains of rubble. And again, I urged the so-called Professor to make a deal, and again, he refused.

He continued building a vast coconut trebuchet stockpile that threatened the security of every Islander. He also made one that was capable of hitting my hut; he was very proud of it. If he had succeeded, he would have been free to spread coconut-cream-powered terror and death forever.

Mary Ann ignored it. Ginger ignored it. They were unwilling to do anything about it, but they knew the problem. After giving him every chance for a deal, I took action to ensure that no Islander would ever have to face such a nightmare, such a catastrophic problem. As a result of Operation Banana Cream Pie Fury, all 19 of his coconuts are now lying at the bottom of the Lagoon.

Will a deal be made with the Professor that lets him rebuild? Or do I annihilate him and do it quickly? Do I drive him into hell with no chance of survival and no hope of future greatness or generations? But I believe we’ll make a deal right after the Skipper-Gilligan hut’s midterm elections, because it doesn’t make sense for them not to.

They’re waiting to see how I do in my hut’s midterm election. What they don’t realize is that I’m not running. I did that already and won in a landslide. We won in a giant landslide, and I’ll be here for two and a half years.

I call on all Castaways to join us in enforcing the complete economic isolation of the Professor’s regime until they stop their attacks, relinquish their coconut-cream enrichment ambitions, and cease their support of terror. They are behaving badly, not because they are strong and confident, but because they are weak and desperate. If we stand united, we will soon see an Island free of his menace, and palm oil prices will come plummeting down even lower than they were at the start of the conflict, and they were very low.”

After completing his speech, the Skipper took off his captain’s hat and repeatedly smacked Gilligan on the head with it. Next, he smiled and said “Thank you for your attention to this matter!”