Welcome to Our Pumpkin Patch, Which Is Definitely Not Run by the Mob

Ayyyy and welcome to the world-renowned Gambino-Colombo Pumpkin Patch! If you’re looking for a full day of family-friendly fall activities, you’ve come to the right place. Now, before we begin our tour, I’m obliged to remind you that despite the rumors that have been circulating for nearly a century, we are not run by the mob, capiche?

First off, a little history lesson. This pumpkin patch is the only one in continuous operation since Prohibition. In fact, we were founded in 1927 by my great uncle, Al Capone. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but there’s no relation to the famous gangster. Sure, he looked just like him and also had the nickname “Scarface.” What’s your point?

Okay, yous guys, let’s start the day with a wagon ride through our beautiful forest! Take in the fall colors, the towering pines, the majestic canopies, and don’t mind those men digging human-sized holes on the side of the road. They’re only burying our decommissioned scarecrows. You can’t see the scarecrows because they’re stuffed into those body bags, which, by the way, we upcycle from a local funeral parlor every year. We’re a very sustainable business, see?

On the other side of the road you’ll see a few of our watchmen standing guard. Yes, they are wearing pinstripe suits and puffing on Cuban cigars and staring at you with cold, sinister eyes, but they’re not mafiosi, okay? Just think of them as the “Pumpkin Patrol.” But don’t ever, ever call them that to their faces.

Now look straight ahead and you’ll see one of the oldest apple cider distilleries in America. Our rivals, the Lucchese family, have been trying to steal our recipe for decades. Feel free to take a picture and post on social media with the caption, “Check out this cool distillery that only produces apple cider and no illegal stuff!”

Next up, it’s time to see if you can make it through our famous hay bale maze! With ten-foot walls and countless dead ends, it’s better to be safe than sorry, so before you go in, we’ll be giving each of you a Tommy gun. If you get lost, simply empty the drum into the sky and we’ll come find you. If any of you are thinking, “Hey, aren’t Tommy guns the signature weapon of the mob?” — guess who’s not getting rescued, wise guy?

Ah, che bello! You all survived the maze, which means we’ve finally reached the pumpkin patch. Go ahead, take any you like! And by the way, parents, if your child is a runner, we’re more than happy to keep them standing in a bucket of wet cement while you pick out your pumpkins.

Please try to finish quickly, though, as it is very difficult to get the children out once the cement dries.

Okay, now, everyone take a seat around the carving table. Here at the Gambino-Columbo Pumpkin Patch we carve our pumpkins the old-fashioned way: with stiletto switchblades. If you’ve never heard of anyone carving pumpkins with stilettos, well, mamaluke, I guess you don’t know much about pumpkins, or Halloween, or probably anything, for that matter, do ya?

Wait, did you hear that? A low rumbling in the distance? It’s the Luccheses! They’re coming for the cider! Everyone, grab your Tommy guns and make ’em taste lead! That’s it — drop ’em, drop ’em like dirty, stinkin’ flies!

Okay, I think we got ’em. Beautiful work, everybody. Now, let’s all enjoy a nice, relaxing wagon ride back to the parking lot, with free cider all around. Don’t forget to leave us a five-star review on Yelp, and remember what you all saw today: nothin’. Absolutely nothin’.