Eating. It’s Not Just for Rich People Anymore

“I inherited very, very high costs, and they’re all coming down now. The food, the groceries, it’s all coming down.”—Donald Trump

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The only thing coming down anytime soon is an El Niño of epic proportions and it won’t be raining catfish.

Putting food on the table is tougher than an over-cooked sirloin steak these days. Many people would shag their toxic ex for a plate of old boots if it came with a loaded baked potato. But what happens when you don’t have the beans to buy beans?

Like Darwin said—adapt. Stay alive. After all, living is the best revenge.

 

Patience, Grasshopper

When you’ve consumed your last can of pinto beans, your lizard brain will switch into hunting mode. The asshole dog next door who barks 24/7 will come to mind. Don’t go there. Soon, you’ll want to take out the guy who stole that Amazon package off your porch and everyone else in the neighborhood. Blood lust is high in protein but starving in jail is worse than starving at home. Many countries eat crickets, grasshoppers, and water bugs. Ew. But deep fried, these bite-sized morsels pack the salty punch of a Trader Joe’s snack. Pop one in your mouth, close your eyes and pretend you’re in the TJ snack aisle. It’ll help you forget you’re eating something you used to step on.

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Out in the Yard 

Your backyard is full of edible green stuff—grass, weeds, flowers, maybe even an undiscovered easter egg or two! Edibles also grow in empty lots, foreclosed homes, even cracks in the sidewalk. So, mow that lawn and pull those weeds. Bermuda grass, clover, and dandelions, topped with bird seed for crunch make a scrumptious salad. Dressed with lemon juice and the carrot seed oil in the Banana Boat tanning oil bought for that trip to Bermuda you’ll never take, it’ll be so delish, you could beat Bobby Flay. If the Food Network hasn’t gone the way of the electric carving knife.

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Lemony Snickets

If you can’t tell a lemon from a tennis ball because the last time you could afford one the White House had an East Wing, remember: every neighborhood has that senior with a lemon tree so jam-packed it would take a village to pick them all, let alone someone who gets vertigo on a stepstool. Be a good neighbor and give them a hand. But at midnight and dressed in black. Don’t forget to drop us a pin!

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The Unbe-leaf-able Smoothie

Remember waking up well-rested, optimistic, and starting your day with a nutritious green smoothie? Don’t despair. We can’t help your deteriorating mental state but we can offer a new recipe that’s the same color, anyway. Fill a blender with the tender leaves of mulberry, beech, or maple trees, add that peach covered in ants you found in the street (protein!) and blend for an hour and a half. Might be a bit chewy but FIBER!

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Flavorful Fungi Foray

Mushrooms can be found in the mulchy base of trees, rotting logs, and various other  unidentifiable decomposing organic matter. (You’re hungry, remember?) Foraging is trendy. With a wicker basket and a good knife, you’ll look cool, not desperate. But those sneaky shrooms can be poisonous. Check them, but don’t chuck them. Could prove useful when El Niño hits and you find your house floating down the street.

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Eat the Rich

The trash bins of the food secure are like loading your plate at a three-star Michelin smorgasbord. Located in the alleys behind palatial mansions raiding one will feel like Christmas morning. (Not yours. Hard to get excited about a new toothbrush.) Half-eaten thousand dollar Tomahawk steaks that could brain a dinosaur, squid ink pizza, foie gras burgers, gold-flecked petit fours—no food is too expensive to toss. A frivolous “let them eat cake” attitude in this day and age that begs the question—”Are these people trying to lose their heads?” The phrase “just desserts” comes to mind, and we’re not talking about flourless chocolate cake here.

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GoFeedMe.com

There’s no shame in raising money for exotic foods like bread, eggs, and milk. It may take a few months, but we’re confident your eighty-five thousand friends will scrape up enough change for a box of Raisin Bran. Eventually.

 

On the off chance your fundraiser flops, consider bartering. But only as a last resort. What you trade is entirely up to you. Best to keep it to yourself, though.