Casting Call for Netflix’s New Docuseries, So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?

Do you have what it takes to join the ranks of famous killers like Ted Bundy, Steven Avery, and the CIA? Good, because here at Netflix we’re running out of psychopaths to glorify—so we’re making a show out of our search for America’s next top murderer. (There’s no such thing as too much original programming. Right? RIGHT?!)

From the creators of Top Chef and Project Runway comes So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?, now hosting open casting calls near you in secluded areas along the Pacific Northwest and the bayous of Louisiana. Bring your most reliable chloroform-soaked rag or risk hearing the dreaded words of elimination: “Please pack your knives and nylons and go.”

Hosted by the Tim Gunn of true crime – Keith Morrison – SYTYCBTAK will scour the country for 12 depraved, sexually deviant, mostly white men. The last sick fuck standing will receive his very own six-part series on the number one crime-porn streaming service in the country, Netflix!

SYTYCBTAK will also feature A-list celebrity guest judges, like: The Hillside Strangler (via Skype), Errol Morris, the cast of Casting JonBenet Ramsey, Amanda Knox, and the owl from The Staircase.

Each week will bring fresh challenges and even fresher victims, with one killer ironically being cut at the end of every episode. Competitions include quick-fire arson, knot-tying, obstacle courses, timed trunk-loading and unloading drills, lie detector tests, and body disposal games using only household cleaning products.

Three contestants will make it to the final round, where the killer with the most creative and functional soundproof murder dungeon wins, getting the ultimate binge-watching Netflix treatment and becoming a weird sex symbol somehow.

First place will also receive an SNL spoof of the Netflix series, a Wikipedia page that reads more like a dating profile, a sexy four-page investigative spread in People magazine, and a trip to a country without an extradition treaty so they can enjoy a little R and R before filming the arrest and court scenes and doing eventual jail time.

Second place will win a mentorship with a current serial killer on death row, plus boutique marketing services from the FBI Criminal Profilers unit, which will work to develop their sinister brand, including a signature M.O. and notorious nickname. (Who knows, they might get released in time for the Season 2 casting call!)

Our third place contestant will take home a first edition copy of The Catcher in the Rye and a year’s supply of duct tape, zip-ties, shovels, ropes, and barrels from our sponsor Home Depot.

So, if you’ve dreamed of turning your murder-hobby into a full-fledged rampage of carnage that will scare generations to come without changing a thing about the larger social issues of mental illness, gun control policies or skyrocketing femicide statistics in America, then this show could be your lucky break!

Note: We are also casting middle-to-upper class young white female victims who are blonde (bottle OK), college-educated, and attractive without a Snapchat filter. Preference will be given to babysitters, cheerleaders, and girls with camera-ready parents who can cry on cue. Please bring a missing person’s flyer in lieu of a headshot.