A Politician in Your City Addresses the Reason for Snow-Covered Roads Ten Days After a Minor Snow Event

Folks,

I share your frustration. I know that ten long days have passed since our minor snow event and things are not back to normal. Not even close. Roads are impassable, schools are still shuttered, and public sidewalks are like skating rinks. Frankly, this is unacceptable. As your elected leader, it is my job to identify who is responsible for this mess. Since it isn’t me, I’ll let you know once I’ve cracked the code.

In the week and a half since the storm, we have conducted a thorough and cost-prohibitive analysis, which will likely require raising your taxes in the near future.

The answer is that we simply have too many roads. It’s not so many roads that we avoid traffic. That would be silly. But it’s pretty much right under that threshold.

An additional mitigating factor is that weather forecasting is not a perfect science. We only knew this storm would be a threat eight days in advance. That is not enough time to mobilize an effective response. I have taken the proactive step of sending a strongly worded email to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA), asking for a longer lead time for winter storms going forward. They’ve yet to respond to my inquiry.

But really. It all circles back to our roads. We just have so many of them. There are main roads. There are side roads. We even have secondary roads, which are side roads, but just, like, secondarily speaking. There are also bike paths, which become important in the absence of side roads. Frankly, that’s a lot of roads. We even have tertiary roads, which I didn’t know existed until I looked it up. Tertiary roads are “low-to-moderate capacity, two-lane roads that connect smaller settlements to residential areas.” I think we have smaller settlements connected to residential areas, but I live in the suburbs so I’m not totally sure.

Yes, that’s a lot of roads!

To address this issue going forward, I don’t have any suggestions. My goal is to convince you that I’m trying to generate some, while I distract you from the consequences of the problem. I am also asking you to pray that we don’t get additional adverse weather until the current ice and snow melts. In the absence of effective leadership, thoughts and prayers are an effective and measurable alternative.

As a gentle reminder, City law states that you have fourteen minutes after a storm to clear your driveways and sidewalks of snow and ice.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Your fearless leader.