Amendments to Your Wedding Guest List From Your Mom

Add: Your Fourth Cousin on Your Father’s Side, Tony

You’ve got to be kidding me with this. He better be invited! Who cares if you don’t remember him, he’s family!

 

Add: Your Mom’s Hairdresser, Denise

Denise is coming, and that’s all I’m going to say. (She’s practically family, and she could use a night out to meet a nice fella.)

 

Add: Your Tee-Ball Coach From When You Were Six, Coach Joey “Joe” Fazio

You still use the lessons he taught you—“follow through,” “tie your shoes,” “you’re running the wrong way”—and you’re not going to invite Coach Fazio? It doesn’t matter if we don’t know if he still lives around here, or is alive in general. We’ll do a Bing on him and find out. A tee-ball team is a family unit! (Also, I remember “Joe” being single, could be good for Denise.)

 

 

 

“Remember to slide feet first, unless you’re doing the electric slide. Actually, slide feet first then too.”

 

Remove: Your Parents’ Longtime Neighbors of 30 Years, The DeNunzios

Why are the DeNunzios invited to your wedding? Yes, I know they’re your godparents or whatever, but they didn’t come to our 4th of July party last year, and that’s not a very family-like thing to do! You want them at your wedding, yet you put up such a stink about poor Denise and Coach Fazio? I don’t get it.

 

Add: Your Parents’ New Neighbors on the other side of the DeNunzios, The Smiths

No, this isn’t a spite invite to get back at the DeNunzios. Not completely, anyway. It’s a nice way to welcome the Smiths into the neighborhood family.

 

Add: Your Aunt Bonnie’s Hairdresser, Sabrina

How can I invite my hairdresser without inviting your Aunt Bonnie’s hairdresser, Sabrina? Be reasonable! I’ve tried to impart the importance of family upon you, and I don’t want Bonnie and I to cause a scene at your wedding like we did at your sister’s.

 

“I even invited Sabrina, try to out-family that, Bonnie.”

 

Add: Janet

You remember Janet, right? Hmm, how do I explain Janet? She’s just… Janet. She’s always been around. Janet’s common-law family at this point.

 

Add: The Entire Waitstaff at the Olive Garden on the Boulevard

When you’re family, you’re always family. Here, there, and everywhere. It’s not a location-based attribute. (Although, the staff at the other Olive Garden–you know, the one down by the

mall–they were impolite, and we won’t be inviting them. It‘s “unlimited” breadsticks, not “seven baskets is all we’re allowed to hand out” breadsticks.)

 

Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired

Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?

 

“🎵If it’s not in a house of the lord, it don’t count.🎵”

 

I know you already agreed (or “gave in,” as you put it) about inviting Janet, but this is bothering me. You really don’t remember Janet? She’s got that purple pocketbook. Janet, you know, she had that dog. That funny dog. No, I don’t remember its name.

 

Add: Sister Sledge

We are family! They literally sang about it!

 

Add: The Heads of New York’s Five Families (aka the Leaders of La Cosa Nostra)

I want them to “come to me on the day of my child’s wedding,” for once. Is that too much to ask? And don’t you want your wedding to bring these families together as one?

 

“Yes that’s right Don Barzini, it was a beautiful ceremony.”

 

I figured out how you’ll remember her: Janet works at Kohl’s. Yes, the lady who gives me extra Kohl’s Cash, that’s Janet! Anyway, she came by the other day and we had one of our chats.

Listen to this: Janet’s friend from work’s cousin’s ex-landscaper’s neighbors just got married and they went to this Virgin Island resort on their honeymoon and they died scuba diving. Isn’t that awful? Which brings up another thing: you’re not going scuba diving on your honeymoon.

 

Remove: Your Best Man, Pat Dipetrio

I think we could lose him, your father and I aren’t made of money and weddings are expensive, even with Nonna catering. Plus, I never cared for him; never took his shoes off when he came inside, unless you asked him—twice. I already asked Janet to prepare a speech.

 

“Before I start my speech, I just wanted to tell everyone about the Labor Day sale at Kohl’s.”