Best of 2023

As a Woman, I’ll Be the First to Apologize for Apologizing So Much 

I’m sorry, okay? Oh, shoot. I just did it again! Whoops. It’s not like I intend to apologize constantly. It’s almost like…a reflex, a tic, an inability to, I don’t know, be sure that any of my individual thoughts or feelings are the least bit valid. So silly of me!


Look, I’ve read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than men. Women apologize when there’s no reason to. Women apologize for breathing.


I thought for sure if there’s one thing women get right, it’s empathizing. But I guess we’ve found a way to mess that up too! Mea culpa. What will we think of next, ladies?? (Insert woozy face emoji here, lol.)


And why do we over-apologize, I wonder, banging my head against the wall. I’m joking! No banging. No animosity here. I’m asking in a casual, non-threatening sort of way. In a way that says “I’m smart, but not that smart.”


Gals, really, why are we apologizing all over town? I wouldn’t say I enjoy apologizing. But I find it pretty easy to do.


A few examples:

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“Sorry I’m late.”

“Sorry I’m early.”

“Sorry I’m such a people pleaser.”

“Sorry my resting face looks this way.”

“Sorry I’m such a goddamn idiot!!! Kidding. Sorry for my self-deprecating nature.”


Where was I? Right. So I know a woman who apologizes even more than I do, if you can believe that. Drives me nuts. You might be thinking, “It sounds to me like internalized misogyny could be influencing your opinion of this incessant apologizer. And maybe her non-stop apologies stem from feelings of inadequacy shaped by a culture that deems her inferior.” But I’m not one to get hoodwinked by all that.


Fine, I’ll just never apologize again. That’s right. Watch me shatter the glass ceiling and NOT apologize when the shards come crashing down. Oh my God, are you bleeding? That was just a metaphorical bit. Sorry if my mind can apparently control the universe. Oh, it’s just a nosebleed? Huh. Apologies if my imagination stresses you out. Ah, so it’s a sinus thing? Sorry to hear that.


No, wait. I’m not sorry to hear that. Ugh! This is impossible. How do you just go through life without ever walking in other people’s shoes?!


That’s it, I’m going cold turkey. Welcome to the new me. Unapologetic. Brave. Dare I say, ballsy.


I don’t know about you, but here’s how I’m stomping into the office Monday morning: “What’s that, boss? You wanna keep paying me eighty-some cents on the dollar? Not today, you son of a bitch. Hand over your wallet.”


I’m joking! Noooo. No, no no. I was not at all being serious. Not for a second! Your face got so flushed and your eyes were like saucers. Do you want to sit down? Let me get you a cool drink. Be right back.


p.s. Sorry if my words offend you in any way!