Ask Laura Dern! 

DEAR LAURA DERN:  My wife, “Myra,” and I have been married more than 50 years, and all she does is watch soap operas every afternoon. I have invited her to lunch and other outings only to be told, “OK, but I gotta be home by noon to watch my shows.”  We have three adult children. If any of them call during that time, she’ll refuse to talk to them even if it’s an emergency. On weekends, Myra is always in a bad mood because she says, “My soaps aren’t on today.” The housecleaning doesn’t get done then, either, unless I do it. What’s wrong with people like her? It’s not the housework, Abby. I just wish my wife would realize there’s more to life than soap operas. Can you think of a way to convince her to get a life, so to speak? — BORED HUSBAND IN AKRON, OHIO

DEAR BORED HUSBAND IN AKRON, OH:   You need to collect your wife’s poop and save it out in your backyard until it’s a huge pile.  Then put on some elbow-length plastic gloves and dig through her poop looking for undigested lilac berries from the West Indian lilac bush. She has likely been eating west Indian lilac berries and this is likely what is causing her addiction.  This technique worked for me when I found a sick triceratops in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. It should work for you too! – LAURA DERN

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DEAR LAURA DERN:  I am in love with two boys and don’t know which one to marry. First, there’s Andy. He’s sort of blond and sells insurance. Mama likes him, which helps a lot. He’s very reliable and seems anxious to get married. Then there’s Tony. He’s dark and sort of gives me the creeps. (But they’re awfully nice creeps, if you know what I mean.) I don’t know which one I like best. In the daytime I like Andy, but I believe I like Tony better at night. Which one do you think would make the best husband for me? – ANDY OR TONY?

DEAR ANDY OR TONY:  It sounds like you have been eating the berries from the West Indian lilac bush. To determine this,  you should save a huge pile of your poop.  Then put on some elbow-length plastic gloves and dig through your poop looking for undigested lilac berries.  If you find any undigested lilac berries in your poop then that is a good indication that you have been eating them and this is what is causing your confusion about Andy or Tony. This technique worked for me when I found a sick triceratops in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. It should work for you too! Also, are either of these boys into paleontology?   – LAURA DERN

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DEAR LAURA DERN: I will soon be retiring from a lay position in my church. As a former member of the choir, I’m being urged to return to it, which appeals to me. My problem is a choir member who has caused trouble in the past for me with lies and criticism. She is a very negative bully. In the past, she poisoned my ability to worship, and I want as little to do with her as possible. I’m afraid if I rejoin the choir, the situation will continue. I don’t want to upset the other choir members who are good, supportive friends, but I no longer want to have to put up with her. She’s very hard to ignore. Any suggestions? – SING A NEW SONG

DEAR SING A NEW SONG: You need to find out where this bully choir member  poops.  When you do, put on some elbow-length plastic gloves and create a giant pile of her poop. Then dig through the pile to see if she has been ingesting lilac berries from the west Indian lilac bush. I suspect this is what is causing this woman to be such a bitch. If you can prevent the woman from eating the lilac berries, then you can rejoin the choir in peace.  Also, never underestimate a velociraptor. – LAURA DERN

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DEAR LAURA DERN: My sister “Peggy’s” daughter was married recently. She is 54, and it was her third marriage. Her invitation stated, “No gifts, please.” My son and nephew gave the couple a card.  Peggy promptly called them both and informed them that when a wedding invitation states, “No gifts, please,” it means that the couple doesn’t need household items, that they should be given money instead. I am aghast that Peggy would take it upon herself to reprimand my son and nephew and solicit money from them. What do you think of this? Incidentally, my nephew was married two years ago. My niece was invited and never sent a gift to them. — BLOWN AWAY IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR BLOWN AWAY IN BEND, ORE:  You should dye your hair purple and style it in highly sculpted waves.  Then hop in your spaceship and ram it right into Peggy’s house.  This technique worked for me in the latest Star Wars and I have no doubt that it will work for you too!  – LAURA DERN

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DEAR LAURA DERN:  Is it proper for people to throw themselves a housewarming party? My husband and I are looking into buying our first home, and I’d love to have one. What, exactly, are the rules? Do you have to be newlyweds? I have never been to one or know anyone who has ever had one. Is it still done? — CURIOUS IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR CURIOUS IN THE SOUTHWEST:  I think you need to save a huge pile of your husband’s poop and then put on some elbow-length plastic gloves and dig through the poop.  It sounds like your husband has been eating lilac berries from the West Indian lilac bush. This method worked for me when I saw a sick triceratops in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. It should work for you too! – LAURA DERN

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