Originals
Guide to Summertime Portmanteaus
Skort – a skirt that is also shorts / Jorts – shorts made from jeans/ Jort-Ski – when you ride a Kawasaki personal watercraft wearing jorts (see also, JortRunner) and more!
Entries by Gary M. Almeter
Originals
Jolene Sings “Vaccine” to the Tune of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” to Dolly Parton Herself!
I’m begging Dolly for just one inoculation / Vaccine, Vaccine, Vaccine, Vaccine / I’m sorry I used your man for copulation
Originals
The Love Song of J. Electoral College Prufrock
No! I am not the magical elixir; / Am neither a remedy nor fixer / I’m not suited for this nation in this day and age, / When people in states red and blue must be more engaged…
Originals
New Community Association Guidelines For This Year’s Halloween Festivities
Our smarter, more engineerically inclined neighbors are constructing hydraulic candy launchers and gravity-inspired candy chutes. That’s fine I guess. I’m not one to argue with a smart person.
We do however, discourage haphazardly throwing candy at trick-or-treaters. Candy corn can sting! The CDC method is probably best. We do however, encourage you to throw candy at Marliese and Trent.
Originals
Introducing FYOOM, The New Video Conferencing App That Lets Participants Smell One Another
You need FYOOM. Because for an additional fee you can press a button on your own laptop and blast your own scent to the other video conference participants. Because if no one smells your Drakkar Noir, does it even have a fragrance???
Originals
Please Stand When You See Me In My American Flag Speedo At the Pool This Weekend Otherwise You are Disrespecting the Troops
So when I walk by you – whether on my way to the diving board to do another cannonball or on my way to the snack shack to get some Freedom fries – you will stand and respect the flag.
Best of 2020
Prom Theme Ideas for Your DIY Quarantine Home Prom
“Grey Gardens” The excess of the roaring twenties comes to life. Grab your mom, several feral kittens, and some cans of corn and prepare to dance the night away. Playlist suggestions: “Solitaire” by Laura Branigan; “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince; “Crazy for You” by Madonna; “Old Money” by Lana del Ray.
Originals
I am the Bucket of Pig’s Blood Perched Atop the Rafters in This Empty High School Gymnasium
Anything could have happened on prom day – just like in the movies – that first kiss, getting finger banged in the limo, being voted to prom court, and the possibility of a deadly inferno promulgated by the telekinetic outcast who just got a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on her!
Originals
The Spring 2020 Vera Wang Wedding Dress Collection
The Fauci – Strapless soft sweetheart full A-line gown with draped wrap DuPont Tyvek 400 haz-mat bodice and swirling frothy draped skirt made from high-density polyethylene with guaranteed protection from particles and virus < 1 micron in size. Accentuated with organza sprig appliques with hand-tacked voluminous framed horsehair overskirt. Available in ivory or white. Or reflective yellow latex.
Originals
Excerpts from the NEW New Broadway Adaptation of To Kill a Mockingbird Starring Naomi Campbell as Calpurnia
CALPURNIA: Atticus, you better check your lipstick before you even think of coming to talk to me. *Does a sultry hair flip and eye ball roll.* Now, don’t go tugging at that dress, Scout. You want to have it all wrinkled before you even get to school?
Originals
Today’s Hot Celebrity Gossip!
Tom Brady just started reading “Where the Crawdads Sing.” Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani just ran out of hazelnut coffee creamer. And more!
Originals
I Get Knocked Down. But I Get Up Again.
I just got knocked down in between writing this paragraph and the paragraph above it, the one about getting knocked down and getting up again at the Richard Marx concert.
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Unhelpful Clues Given to Me by Mindy Cohn During an October 1987 Taping of The $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was “Things You Do on a Boat”
Scott Baio, Heave, Make certain Gary Coleman is sedated, and more!
Originals
Nine Quagmires You Can Only Understand If You Are a Teenage Worker Working at Edible Arrangements the Week Prior to Valentine’s Day
6) You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.
Originals
Signs Your Co-Worker Might Be an Abiogenetic Hybrid of Laura Ingalls Wilder and A Can of Pringles
She’s often tardy because her sister Carrie has fallen into an abandoned mine shaft. She also has her own mascot, an oval-faced man with a big bushy mustache and a red bow tie she refers to as Julius.
Originals
This End-of-Decade List Kicks Ass!
My end-of-decade list has the decade’s most memorable moments and most influential people and listy type sports things. But there’s a twist. A twist in the list. Does the whole end-of-decade list rhyme? A rhyming list? Would you be pissed? Like William Rehnquist?
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Ask Laura Dern!
DEAR BORED HUSBAND IN AKRON, OH: You need to collect your wife’s poop and save it out in your backyard until it’s a huge pile. Then put on some elbow-length plastic gloves and dig through her poop looking for undigested lilac berries from the West Indian lilac bush. She has likely been eating west Indian lilac berries and this is likely what is causing her addiction. This technique worked for me when I found a sick triceratops in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. It should work for you too! – LAURA DERN
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Wimbledon Bingo!
Keep you eyes peeled for the pigeon and the hairpiece! Go balls!
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Seven Hacks to Make Doing Laundry More Rewarding
You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.
Originals
I Am the Peppermint Cookie From the Cookie Exchange That Makes All the Other Cookies On Your Cookie Tray Taste Minty
I am the peppermint cookie someone brings every year. I have likely been sprinkled or dusted or otherwise imbued with crushed candy cane. That crushed candy cane likely glistens. Perhaps I have an Andes candy baked and melted all up in my innards. For all we know I have been infused with some peppermint extract. No matter what guise I adopt this year, the result is the same. I am going to make every other cookie on your cookie tray taste like it’s been dipped in Listerine. The blue kind of Listerine.
Originals
Dr. Frankenstein Describes That Time He Made Beto O’Rourke
I now begin to collect the materials necessary for my new creation, and the pressure I feel to create something that will defeat the Zodiac Killer in a Senate race in Texas is like the torture of single drops of water continually falling on the head. Every thought I have is devoted to it and […]
Originals
How to Save Football
At a recent NFL owners meeting, owners expressed great concern at the steep drop in television viewership and the cataclysmic decline in attendance. They asked, what can we do to save football? Simple. One thing. Make the whole game the opening sequence of NBC’s Sunday Night Football. That’s it. Sixty minutes of Carrie Underwood. In a fringed leather bustier.
