Entries by Amy Currul


Originals

Central Park Defends Its Dry Spell

by Amy Currul
November 1, 2024

I haven’t really felt in the mood these days. It’s embarrassing, but to be perfectly honest, with the election coming up and everything, I’ve been so stressed out it’s affecting my….performance. I haven’t been able to muster up significant cloud coverage, never mind generate any actual precipitation. It’s been so long I’m pretty sure the next time I encounter a shift in wind speed, what should be a little drizzle is instead going to result in a brief but intense downpour. It’s not you, it’s me and too much built up atmospheric pressure.

Originals

I’m Your First Sunburn of the Season, And For The Next Month I Own Your Ass

by Amy Currul
June 5, 2024

Are you stressed out at the thought of my presence? Bam! I have now resulted in sunburn blisters, popping up on top of the already overexposed flesh and leftover skin. I’m on the top of your shoulders, the back of your ribcage, I’m everywhere. I’m Beetlejuice 2.0. How do you like me now?

Originals

Ding Dong, The Bigot Is Dead

by Amy Currul
June 8, 2023

DOROTHY: Okay, well, normally I would feel terrible about this, my house landing on someone and all. But it sounds like he was a bad person right? So him dying is a good thing? GAY-LINDA: It’s a great thing! It’s a Pride miracle!

Best of 2022

We At HBOMax Have Decided To Cancel Earth

by Amy Currul
December 14, 2022

We here at HBO Max are proud to be home to some of your previously favorite now cancelled programs such as Love Life, Minx, and the first season of Westworld. And like all of our cancelled programs, Earth will be wiped off of all platforms, anything where its existence could be recorded or remembered.

Best Of 2021

I’m Your Computer Keyboard And I’m Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me

by Amy Currul
September 23, 2021

If we can’t fix your messy eating, then we’re going to need to amp up your cleaning habits because as of right now, you’re not doing much for me. Your idea of “cleaning” is turning me over, rapidly shaking me, and wiping whatever debris came out onto the floor and straight into the rug.

Originals

Shot Girl Summer: Sartorial Pairings For Your Upcoming Vaccine Appointment

by Amy Currul and Cassie Soliday
May 25, 2021

Get The Hint?: So, you’re fully vaccinated (minus two weeks), and you’re looking to hook up. Nothing less subtle than an entirely clear suit! Wear your best lingerie underneath, or nothing at all. Even if you get kicked out of CVS or banned from the Javits Center for life, you’re sure to turn heads in this daring suit (and get some digits)!

Originals

How Fictional Nurses Would Administer the COVID-19 Vaccine

by Justin Cannon and Amy Currul
May 21, 2021

Cartoon Nurse from The Animaniacs: She insists that you remain professional and direct with your patients, especially the dog-like ones that make inappropriate comments like, “Helloooooo nurse.” After one too many incidents, she recommends against vaccinating patients that resemble dogs, or any non-human animal for that matter. Vaccine supply is short as it is, and when you stick them with the shot, their heads rapidly expand and they uncontrollably shout, “Awwooooooga!”

Originals

Ads For Products You Never Wanted

by Amy Currul and Justin Cannon
November 26, 2020

Winner’s Rubix Cube: Did you like fidget spinners? Do you want to feel smart without doing any work to get there? Soothe your ego with a Winner’s Rubix Cube.