Nurse Ratched begins by drawing a tiny dot on the patient’s temple using a marker. Then, she takes a moment to explain to the patient that they’ll likely experience mild symptoms, including soreness at the sight of injection, mild fever and permanent damage to the brain’s prefrontal cortex. From there, she takes a syringe and begins hammering it into the cranium. She makes sure to frequently remind patients that the mild discomfort they’re experiencing beats indefinitely having to wear a face mask.
Before vaccinating, Nurse Jackie recommends taking a couple of Percocet, crushing them up, and then banging a few lines to get a good buzz going. From there, she has the patient raise the sleeve covering their non-dominant shoulder. Or is it the dominant one? Whatever, just give them their Johnson & Johnson shot. Wait, did that one get recalled? Shit!
Once Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, and all of the other at-risk members of the Hogwarts faculty have received their doses, Madam Pomfrey would begin vaccinating the students. Well, most of them – House Slytherin is notoriously anti-vax, and has spent most of the term holding unmasked rallies on the quidditch field, shouting that the vaccine transforms your arms into jello. It’s enough to make you drink butterbeer in the morning.
Carla Espinosa, RN
Carla would have the vaccines all ready to be jabbed into her patient’s arms, but it would take forever because she’d have to stop in between every shot to set up a joke for her more carefree colleagues. If only JD, Turk and “The Todd” could stop their antics long enough, we’d have herd immunity by now!
Cartoon Nurse from The Animaniacs
She insists that you remain professional and direct with your patients, especially the dog-like ones that make inappropriate comments like, “Helloooooo nurse.” After one too many incidents, she recommends against vaccinating patients that resemble dogs, or any non-human animal for that matter. Vaccine supply is short as it is, and when you stick them with the shot, their heads rapidly expand and they uncontrollably shout, “Awwooooooga!”
Nurse Carol Hathaway
Carol is a great nurse, but she would break up and get back together with Doug (a straight up hunk) ten times before you’d actually get your shot. Just will they, won’t they, will they, won’t they, back and forth week after week. Best to ask Haleh or one of the other County General nurses instead.
Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan
That’s Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan to you! She would flirt with you, kick your ass and give you the vaccine all before you even noticed anything was happening. Hawkeye and Trapper would protest against her vaccination efforts, but have you met Major Houlihan? She would have no problem getting them in line.
Ann Perkins, RN
Ann Perkins! Ann would do a perfectly adequate job of distributing the vaccine, and would probably even help her local city councilwoman/ best friend set up a city-wide vaccination effort in Pawnee. Unfortunately, the clinic would turn out to be a complete failure, due to the town’s paranoid citizens refusal to get vaccinated, believing the vaccine has microchips in it used to control them and curb their Paunch Burger habits.
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Justin is a Brooklyn-based advertising writer, occasional humor writer and even more occasional cartoonist. His writing and drawing has appeared in Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt and a bunch of ads you’ll likely never see.