I’m already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too? I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends. And more!
To play: On your turn, spin the spinner and move your pawn, square by square, until you reach the final square, where you will receive your Covid-19 vaccine at your local fairgrounds. Throughout the game, try your best to jump the line by landing on ladders and avoiding pitfalls that will send you spiraling down chutes, relegating you to additional days, months, and maybe years of pandemic depression.
Keep at least 141 million miles distance between you and Earth. Binge watch Season 2 of 01010111. Don’t touch your antenna. And more!
Camp Anti-Vaxxer, Camp Smash the Patriarchy, Camp Climate Change Survival and more!
Keep you eyes peeled for the pigeon and the hairpiece! Go balls!
So, it was nice to know that all my hard work was paying off. Raising kids who are probably not psychopaths is fine, but I’m really in it for the World’s Best Dad coffee mugs, neckties, key chains, hats, and boxer shorts.
Which brings us to our last stop, the gatehouse and moat. Seriously, sir, why are your pants off. Sir! SIR! I don’t care if you read that medieval people skinny dipped in the moat, we’re not doing it now. This is the twenty first century.
You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.
5-year-old: I’m going to live with you and Mommy even when I’m a grown-up! Me: Aww, that’s so sweet. 5-year-old: Well, it’s more that with the trends in real estate prices and the relative stagnation of wage growth, more and more young adults are being squeezed out of the housing and rental market.
Overview The first cases of Trump Derangement Syndrome (or TDS) were observed in 2017 shortly after President Donald J. Trump recorded his first landslide win in the Electoral College over Crooked Hillary Clinton. While most Americans praised the President for his glorious victory and readily embraced the concept of MAGA, a few dissenters quickly developed […]
This haunted house is filled with socks. I can handle this, you think, I love socks! You sift through the piles and a vague feeling of dread envelops you as you realize there are no white crew socks anywhere. Only ankle socks and no-shows. All garishly colored. You look down at your feet and your white crew socks are gone. Replaced with ridiculous-looking, no-show socks that are…blue? What the hell? You grab a hideous sock from the pile that is threatening to engulf you and stuff it in your mouth to quell the screaming.
When my son is middle aged, will his long record of sexual violence in high school and college come to light, momentarily jeopardizing his seat on the Supreme Court? The indignity!
Orange traffic cone, Box set of Ted Nugent CDs and more.
Before we start, I just want to note how disappointed I am in many of you in this room who have mercilessly mocked the President for saying that people need I.D. to buy groceries. Your words have been very uncivil. Particularly considering there is a very simple explanation for his misstatement. The President clearly meant […]
This May was the hottest May in recorded history for the entire continental United States except for a small corner of southwest Florida. And now that summer is in full swing, things are just getting worse. You can’t even play catch with your children outside because the baseball will melt and also they have terrible hand-eye […]
ME: Separating families at the border is criminal. We can’t let that happen in America. GENERIC REPUBLICAN: Calm down. It’s not the Holocaust! ME: Umm. I didn’t say anything about the Holocaust. Comparing anything to the Holocaust is counterproductive in that it inflames discourse and is almost certainly inaccurate from a historical perspective. However, tearing […]
David, 42, is a hedge fund manager and father of two children ages 8 months and 4 years. He would like to spend more time with his children, but has to work 80-hour weeks to keep his funds sufficiently hedged. Several nights a week he “has drinks with clients after work” and “sleeps in his […]
1. Replace PE, music, and art with paramilitary and situational awareness training. 2. Replace library time with pistol range time. 3. Good students with guns to stop bad students with guns. 4. Good teachers with guns to stop bad teachers with guns. 5. Good administrators with guns to stop any unaccounted for bad students or […]
First Steps SPOUSE: Wait, did the baby just walk? YOU: What! [YOU startle to attention, tearing your gaze away from your iPhone. As YOU try to get your bearings YOU ask yourself, How long have I been scrolling through my Facebook feed? YOU realize there is no way of knowing the answer […]
Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate 13. Yes, you heard that right. I said Flight 666 to Death Valley. Death is where we are all heading anyway, so you might as well come on board. However, please board only when your zone is called. Please do not accept luggage […]
Crowded Room of People Dressed in Formal Wear The low hum of movers and shakers mingling and engaging in insipid small talk is the perfect soundscape for the socially anxious person wanting to lie in bed for hours and stare at the ceiling while reliving past humiliations at office parties and high school proms. […]