Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Date Night

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I’m wondering if we’re still on for Saturday night. No, sorry, honey, I just thought it’d be funny to—yeah, an actor, too. Yeah, I usually mention that one first. Well, a lot of people are fans of Carnal Knowledge, and they tend to—Carnal Knowledge. Well, since it came out on Blu-Ray. No, I think Blu-Ray is still a thriving format, honey. Film buffs appreciate the hi-def.

So, Saturday? Yeah, I just have it as a weekly recurring event. “Date Night with Wife.” Because I want to make you a priority, sweetie, that’s why. Well, my agent’s Met membership is good till the end of the month, so we could get free passes to that Van Gogh exhibit. Catch a movie. Even stay in and order some Chinese. You know I’m sucker for sweatpants and spring rolls.

Paul’s show? Sorry, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Farewell tour? Oh, huh. No, I didn’t realize he was still touring, actually. Well, you know, honey, I don’t really keep tabs on what he’s up to. What with my own touring schedule and the all the press for my memoir. You know, my memoir. The one that I wrote about my life. Huh. It must’ve fallen off your nightstand, I guess.

Have I put in a call? So you’re good with Chinese, then? Oh, we’re still on Paul. Honestly, honey, I’m not sure when I’d find the time to see two whole hours of Paul singing songs. Three hours? Huh. Yeah, that is exciting. Sure, I suppose you could say that takes a certain type of stamina. Although, he’s the one retiring, isn’t he?

So, spring rolls?

Well, it’s just that we’ve missed the last three date nights, is the thing. When Paul and I were touring, we’d pride ourselves on never missing a date. Right, we both had to be there. They wouldn’t start the show if only Paul was there. No, I actually have mentioned that to the kids, as a matter of fact. No, no, I wasn’t on salary. I made as much as Paul. Right, well, for the performances. Honestly, honey, you spend one summer in the south of France, and you’ve kind of been there, done that.

You could call Paul for tickets, too, you know. Although, then we’ll have to schlep all the way into the city. Plus, you know how expensive parking is at the Garden. I don’t have to tell you, that toaster oven is not going to repair itself. Yeah, no, Paul does have a driver. Well, when you’re that short, it can be hard to see over the wheel, ha ha. Yeah, well, I’m more of a self-reliant guy. I like to drive my own car. Bake my own bread. Sing my own—honey, that’s a different category.

Speaking of, did I ever tell you how I taught Penny Marshall to make bolognese?

Yeah, I’m fine with staying in and queuing up something on Netflix. Annie Hall? You know, I’ve never met someone who likes that film. I think they just added Catch-22, actually. Did you know I was in that—ah, good, I just wasn’t sure if I had ever mentioned it. No, it received quite a bit of acclaim. Mike Nichols doesn’t make schlock, honey.

So, why don’t you pull up Catch-22, and I’ll call the deliv—oh? No, I’m open to something else. What are you thinking? Thai? Italian? Sorry? No, honey, what would you expect to see backstage, anyway? Paul taking the lifts out of his shoes? He’s not exactly a spring chicken. Right, the tall one, ha ha.

Did I tell you that Penny Marshall called me that?

Certainly, we’re amicable, honey, but you don’t have anything to worry about. It never works when two strong personalities try to coexist. Me and Penny, me and Paul. Right, strong personalities. Well, with arranging the harmonies, I could be pretty headstrong. “I think the harmony should be higher,” for example. That’s the type of thing I might say.

You know, I’m not sure I know who Paul’s agent is these days, no. No, I’m sure it’s one of those Madison Avenue firms. Honey, that’s not my style. I’m pretty darn happy with Bernie. I mean, I don’t know if you saw last month’s issue of Car and Driver, but—honey, it’s important to stay grounded. One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor, as they say.

Oh, really? I’m not familiar with that one. Doesn’t surprise me, it being a bit derivative.

Well, I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but okay, we can do a raincheck on date night. Sure, or just skip it altogether. No, yeah, if Malcolm Nance is on MSNBC. Yeah, you don’t want to miss that. I can just pencil in a walk instead. You know, I still haven’t finished walking across Long Island, so—yeah, we both have things to do. Good. Right, and if Paul calls. Sure.