Bachelor producer Sarah Gertrude Shapiro revealed in The New Yorker that her job was to get the contestants to open up to her… She said that she sees it now as a “complicated manipulation through friendship.”
– THE LIST
You tell your friend you need help picking out a cute outfit for your big date tonight, she:
A: Picks out a really cute pair of overalls.
B: Tells you that you can never wear white on camera because it will wash you out. When you tell her there will be no cameras on the date, she laughs intensely and looks away.
When you casually mention your parents are divorced, she:
A: says, “oh I’m sorry, that must have been hard on you,” with a comforting smile!
B: Asks you point blank, “Is that why you can’t find love now? Is it because your parents FAILED at the union of marriage? How did that affect you Becky? How did it?? Do you believe you don’t deserve love anymore and you are doomed to fall in your parents failed footsteps?”
You get in a fight with a friend over text, your friend:
A: Listens and gives you helpful advice on how to patch up the relationship.
B: Tells you that Claire’s probably jealous of you because Jaxton likes you better and gave you two one on one dates in a row in Peru. She encourages you to never let go of these hateful feelings and that holding onto anger is actually pretty #feminist and #empowering.
In a low moment, you tell your friend that you’re scared that you will never find love again. She:
A: Tells you that’s ridiculous and that of course you will!
B: She says “Yeah probs not. Here are 15 boxes of tissues if you need to cry or something. Not like I’m encouraging you to cry or anything but like tears are natural and stuff, so like if you wanna cry, go for it.
5.When you start crying because your boyfriend just dumped you, your friend:
A: Comforts you and gives you an obese carton of Ben and Jerry’s banana flavored ice-cream
B: Locks you in a room for the next five hours and asks extensive questions about how the breakup happened, how it made you feel and whether you think you’ll ever find love again while holding a big camera and videotaping the whole thing
It’s TV Tuesday and you picked out the perfect show for you and your bestie to watch: “Unreal,” a TV show exploring the dark side of The Bachelor franchise. Your friend:
A: is super pumped! She’s never seen it and is excited to learn more about the dark sides behind the scenes of the hit TV show, “The Bachelor.”
B: Tells you that show is propaganda and the producers are the kindest and most hardworking people in TV and would never exploit anyone ever. Then she throws your TV out the window and runs away.
If You Got Mostly A’s:
Congrats! Looks like you’ve got a real friend who will be there in the good and bad times and doesn’t want to exploit your emotions and every possible insecurity you possess for high ratings! Sounds like she’s a keeper!
If You Got Mostly B’s:
Oopsy! If you got mostly B’s, that means your friend is probably not who you think she is. Instead of someone who cares for you, your friend is a Bachelor producer and has infiltrated your world to get the most drama out of your dating life as possible- ditch this person immediately and move to a remote island with no TV at all.
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Catherine Weingarten is a Brooklyn-based comedy writer who has written for such sites as Little Old Lady, Sally Magazine and Points in Case. She’s also a big fan of donuts existing!