Entries by Dan Caprera


Originals

Dear Dad From Bluey, Happy Father’s Day – Thank You For Raising Me

by Dan Caprera
June 13, 2024

Last year, after I broke up with my long-term girlfriend, I felt like no one would ever love me again. Or, at least, I did until I watched the episode “The Magic Xylophone,” where it was revealed that you had been picking your nose the first time that you met your future wife, the anthropomorphic Red Heeler dog Chilli. And I realized in that moment that, when love is true, minor personality quirks will never be able to stand in the way of the rich tapestry of mutual devotion.

Originals

In These Fraught Times, We Need A President Who Will Unite The Nation With Honor, Integrity, And The Delicious Flavor Of Quiznos (SPONSORED CONTENT)

by Dan Caprera
March 3, 2020

Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember… our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John’s-flavored ineptitude.

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Know What Would Make Times Square Even Better? If It Was Way Too Crowded, It Was Midnight In December, And Ryan Seacrest Was There The Whole Time!

by Dan Caprera
December 31, 2019

Whenever I make my way out to New York City, I always try to spend at least a few minutes in Times Square. See, while most people simply write off Times Square as being “too touristy” or “claustrophobic” or say that it’s “a garish, over-commercialized nightmare-prison that you should avoid at all costs”… I disagree.

Originals

The Road To A Tom Steyer Presidency

by Dan Caprera
December 18, 2019

STEP 11 — America impeaches, in this order, Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, Mike Pompeo, and, for good measure, the next 9 people in line for presidential succession.

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Other Movies We Should Also Add James Dean Into, Now That This Is Something That We, As A Society, Do Apparently

by Dan Caprera
November 8, 2019

Well, looks like we’ve opened up Pandora’s box, folks! An upcoming independent film will be digitally adding James Dean into it, further blurring the increasingly-tenuous line between CGI and reality.  However, since this is something that we, as a society, are apparently cool with doing now… here are a few more movies that we should digitally insert James Dean into!

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Depressing Listicles

by Dan Caprera
June 20, 2019

’12 Things You Should Never Say On A First Date… APPARENTLY!’ ‘1 Mom And 1 Dad Who DO NOT APPROVE Of My Recreational Adult Kickball League!’ And more.

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Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Watch TV… No, They Played Outdoors Because They Heard A Rumor That A Dead Body Was Out By The Quarry

by Dan Caprera
May 17, 2019

See, back in my day, letting children search for a dead quarry-body was (in many ways) the best education our small town had to offer. Not only did dead-body-searching teach kids crucial, all-important skills like hard work, perseverance, and how to poke a drifter with a stick.

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When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)

by Dan Caprera
February 5, 2019

Again folks, we here at Disney apologize deeply for this oversight. But, as you can see, the effect that this policy-update should have on your day-to-day wish/dream schedule is, at best, minimal. And as long as you remember that starfish-related wishes should only be made in the context of fish-related dreams, then there should be no problem whatsoever!

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This Is Not The America I Recognize From The Back Of All Those State Quarters

by Dan Caprera
September 4, 2018

This is not the America that we were promised–the America on the back of all those commemorative state quarters from 18 years ago. The ones with all the pictures on them. Illinois is still a ginormous picture of Abe Lincoln wearing an unbuttoned shirt that reveals way too much of his chest. Waaay too much of his chest.