Entries by Elizabeth Simone


Originals

Mission Impossible Movie or Improv Troupe?

It’s not clear if or how anyone’s getting paid. It’s a lot of white guys and one woman. The group believes what they are doing is saving the world. And more!

Best of 2022

Quiz: Your Cat Or Your Teenager?

They are obsessed with primping, but seem to be allergic to showers and baths. They are perfectly content to be alone. But if you leave them alone for too long, they’ll almost certainly ruin some furniture. TEEN or CAT? Take the quiz!

Best of 2022

Voicemails From My Kombucha Mother (SCOBY) Who I’ve Neglected In The Back Of The Fridge

Hi, me again. I still haven’t heard back from you. Need I remind you, young lady, of how you’ve treated your poor mother? You were so excited to make your own Kombucha. You did it for five weeks until you abruptly quit. This is so like you. First it was ballet, then saxophone lessons, then your MFA program. And now, this?! You abandoned me in this plastic Tupperware. You don’t even have the decency to put your mother in a glass container?!

Originals

Rejected Friends Thanksgiving Episodes

The One Where They Spend Thanksgiving In The Hospital After Rachel’s Trifle Activates Ross’ IBS, The One Where Ross Lectures About How Turkeys Are Related To Dinosaurs And Chandler Fakes An Aneurysm In Order To Leave The Table, The One Where Monica Gets a Prescription for Lexapro And Enjoys Thanksgiving For the First Time, and more!