Best of 2022

Voicemails From My Kombucha Mother (SCOBY) Who I’ve Neglected In The Back Of The Fridge

October 9th, 2021


Helloooo. Is anyone home? It’s your mother. Your Kombucha mother. Remember me? I am the SCOBY who raised your gut flora into what they are today. I’m calling from the back left corner of your fridge, where you’ve neglected me for the past three months. I’m calling to see if you’re free today. How about you get your tired mother a nice tall jug of sweet tea so she can ferment it into a probiotic digestive beverage? For old times sake.

October 18th, 2021


Hi, me again. I still haven’t heard back from you. Need I remind you, young lady, of how you’ve treated your poor mother? You were so excited to make your own Kombucha. You did it for five weeks until you abruptly quit. This is so like you. First it was ballet, then saxophone lessons, then your MFA program. And now, this?! You abandoned me in this plastic Tupperware. You don’t even have the decency to put your mother in a glass container?!

November 1st, 2021


Hi honey, you know who I just ran into back here in the fridge? Miso paste. Remember him? You used to make such good Miso soup. You should get him out of here from time to time. While you’re at it, you can use me, too. Just saying. Couldn’t hurt. Love you.

November 15th, 2021


I’m not sure why you’re ignoring me. You and I used to have such a good mother/daughter relationship. You fed me Oolong tea with plenty of sugar, and handled me with care as you slipped me gently into that 5 gallon Mason jar. Oooh I liked that Mason. So strong. I miss Mason. I miss you.

December 5th, 2021


Honey, me again. It’s pretty smelly back here in your fridge. And it’s not just because I’m a single-celled organism that smells of vinegar. You’ve also got some moldy Cheddar and far too many home-made salad dressings. You should clean out your fridge, young lady. And put a box of baking soda back here.

December 5th, 2021


I want to apologize for that last message. I know you’re 38 years old and don’t need your disc-shaped symbiotic yeast of a mother telling you to clean your fridge.

January 20th, 2022


Do you realize how much I’ve sacrificed for you? I used to be such a svelte organism back in the day. But then I birthed 18 baby scobies to satisfy your need for more and more Kombucha. And now look at me. I’m so thick I resemble a small beached-whale! It’s not easy being a single-celled mom, believe you me.

February 14th, 2022


Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie! Not so happy for your dear mother, though. I’m still all alone. Why don’t we have some good old-fashioned mother-daughter tea time, huh? Wait, are you-? Is that a GT Dave’s Kombucha I just heard you pop open!? How dare you! GT Dave’s got nothing on me. $3.99/bottle!? That’s probiotic highway robbery! I, on the other hand, am priceless. Literally. You picked me up for free from that guy Sven on your BuyNothing Group.

March 30th, 2022


Why am I calling in the middle of the night? Maybe it’s because I’m drunk. Because the meager amount of Kombucha that’s still left in this Tupperware has fermented into alcohol! You did thiiisss to mee. Oh. I know what you’re gonna say. You’re gonna say that I have no “boundaries.” Well, of course I have no boundarrrieeies. I’m part of your microbiome!

April 2nd, 2022


I’m sorry I called you drunk. Things are not going well in here. I’m so gassy that this Tupperware has poofed up considerably.

May 8th, 2022


You don’t even have the decency to take me out for Mother’s Day?! I’m not gonna be around forever you know. One day I will get old and moldy. And you know what they say: “If you don’t appreciate your mother now, you will regret it when you find her in the back of the fridge with a green fuzzy substance all over her cellulose skin.”