I don’t know why exactly, but somehow I just feel totally free when I’m hiking out here in the woods! Remember freedom, Janine? It’s what we both had before we entered into this marriage of convenience eight years ago. Good times. Good, good times. And then we got married.
Christmas Eve 1843 was a fairly good day for Scrooge, at least by his twisted standards. He’d only gotten to foreclose on three widows and hadn’t kicked a single orphan, but he did get to reject a dinner invitation from his nephew Fred in a particularly brutal way and he made absolute mincemeat out of two charity chumps who foolishly came into the office, scrounging for donations.
ST. GEORGE MONASTERY (MONTENEGRO)
Now this is what I’m talking about! Back in the day, St. George had the good sense to build his monastery on a picturesque little island off the coast of Montenegro in the Adriatic Sea. Looks like a good place to bring a catamaran. Now, supposedly, this place is not open to the public. But you’re no mere tourist! You’re joining up, remember? So slip on your wetsuit, grab your longboard, and hang ten toward some inner peace, dude. Some Debbie Downers out there will tell you that this place is called the “Island of the Dead,” but that’s just because there’s a cemetery there, not because of any zombie outbreaks. That we know of.
Decorative Inflatable Witches Can Be Embarrassing From Certain Angles, and We Need to Acknowledge That.
How did it happen, America? The 2024 presidential election is getting closer and closer, and somehow, the presumptive nominees are the same two melted goblins who ran against each other in 2020. WE HAD FOUR YEARS TO FIND BETTER PEOPLE! AND WE STILL DIDN’T DO IT!
If they’re struggling with the drugs while they’re chugging from a bottle, And they hide drugs up their buttholes just to get across the border, That’s a druggy chugging wuggle buggle bottle butthole border struggle.
Mr. Trump’s fondness for the Golden Arches and other fast food chains is well known. What has not been widely reported, however, is that there is an entire, working McDonald’s restaurant located deep within the presidential intestines.
I call him my little cuddle bunny, even though he’s, like, slimy. I guess I could be hugging a wet garbage bag full of gym socks and get the same effect, but it wouldn’t be alive, you know?
Treat the reader like you would treat your own mother — distantly but politely. Call the reader once a year but no more.
No. No, I didn’t know either of them personally. I knew them through their work. Well, his work. You know, on SNL. The “Chad the Pool Boy” sketches. I’m not really into current pop music, so I’m not too familiar with her songs.
As you know, it’s been a full week since our taping of Family Feud in Atlanta. Yes, we’re disappointed that we lost. Badly. And, sure, it would have been nice to have the opportunity to play for $20,000 in the Fast Money round, plus a chance at winning a brand-new, fully-loaded Ford Edge. But that’s not what this is about.
“Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” As told by: Dasher Okay, let me say this right off the bat: Rudolph is a dick. I want that known. I want it in print. He was a dick before he got famous, and he was even worse afterward. Just impossible to work with. And, as you might guess, I’m […]
METROPOLIS — Captain Cold, the supervillain known worldwide for his trademark parka and freeze gun, is no longer a member of the Legion of Doom. The remaining 12 members of the Legion, an intergalactic terrorist group dedicated to the conquest of the universe, voted unanimously to expel Cold during an emergency meeting held late last […]
Hello, my fellow God-fearing Americans. My name is Greg Gianforte. I’m a successful businessman of some sort, and I’m proud to be representing my home state of Montana as its newly-elected (and, I think, only? have someone check on that) congressman. You’ve probably been hearing a lot about me in the news these last few […]
Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by Steve Harvey in which the bald-pated, mustachioed, sharply-dressed talk show host admonishes his staff not to approach him when he’s in the studio. As shocking as this memo was, it pales in comparison with a document that was forwarded to us by a disgruntled PBS […]
SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY – Finally equipped with a simple voice synthesizer that translates his beeps and bleeps into recognizable human speech, beloved astromech droid R2-D2 has confirmed to the press what many in the Star Wars universe have long whispered: that he has been suffering physical and verbal abuse at the hands of his […]
It’s time for us to come clean, readers. Now that the cat is already out of the bag, thanks to that nosy little tattletale Edward “The Snitch” Snowden, there’s no use in denying it anymore: Yes, we at BuzzFeed have been using our many, many quizzes about pop culture and junk food to gather information […]
The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media attention when a form letter it sent to incoming freshmen became public. Among other things, the school’s Dean of Students let it be known in this letter that the institution would not honor so-called “safe spaces” or “trigger warnings” that have become the standard […]
A new school year is fast approaching, and I’m willing to bet you haven’t even started on that assigned reading list you were supposed to complete over the summer, you lazy skidmark of a human being. No, you were too busy being distracted by shiny objects you found on the ground. Either that, or you […]
NOTE TO READERS: “The Crossword Couple,” Eric and Colleen Belknap, are currently in the process of dissolving their 15-year marriage. By mutual agreement of their lawyers, they are continuing to co-author this syndicated newspaper feature, albeit under duress. Please bear that in mind as you read these clues. Thank you. ACROSS (His Side) 1. “A […]
[We open on a wild, alcohol-fueled pool party with college age guests. A bikini clad babe is lounging poolside, looking delectable. From a table nearby, a young man in a Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks watches her, hunger in his eyes. His dorky buddies are seated at the table as well. He turns to them […]
Superman: Oh, yeah, we were tight. Me and Bats? Are you kidding? In the ’70s, we were unstoppable. We’d film The Super Friends by day and dominate the club scene by night. We were getting pussy by the metric ton. It wasn’t even fair. Of course, the show was done out in L.A. The exterior […]
Winter has arrived, why not go out and see an art exhibit or two? They’re all pretty much the same. And surprise surprise, they’re all in Chelsea. Pierce Ubsnell, “Finns I Have Fisted: An Artist Reflects” (Edgard Pierpoint Gallery, Chelsea. Through February 20.) Judging by his portrait in the catalog, this guy doesn’t look […]
I suppose we were what you’d call an odd couple, Karl Heinrich Marx and me. After all, I was just a pimple-faced 16-year-old from Kenosha, WI, and he was the German revolutionary and theorist whose Communist Manifesto had forever altered the course of Western Civilization.
The screenplay for the 1946 holiday classic It’s a Wonderful Life went through any number of drafts before reaching its final version. The following, coffee-stained pages were recently discovered among the personal papers of director Frank Capra after they were donated by his estate to Indian Hills Community College in Ottumwa, Iowa. They reveal a […]