Entries by Joe Blevins

A Christmas Carol… If It Had Gone Horribly Wrong Within The First Few Minutes

Christmas Eve 1843 was a fairly good day for Scrooge, at least by his twisted standards. He’d only gotten to foreclose on three widows and hadn’t kicked a single orphan, but he did get to reject a dinner invitation from his nephew Fred in a particularly brutal way and he made absolute mincemeat out of two charity chumps who foolishly came into the office, scrounging for donations.

So You’ve Decided to Live Out Your Days in a Remote Monastery: What Next?

ST. GEORGE MONASTERY (MONTENEGRO)

Now this is what I’m talking about! Back in the day, St. George had the good sense to build his monastery on a picturesque little island off the coast of Montenegro in the Adriatic Sea. Looks like a good place to bring a catamaran. Now, supposedly, this place is not open to the public. But you’re no mere tourist! You’re joining up, remember? So slip on  your wetsuit, grab your longboard, and hang ten toward some inner peace, dude. Some Debbie Downers out there will tell you that this place is called the “Island of the Dead,” but that’s just because there’s a cemetery there, not because of any zombie outbreaks. That we know of.

Bodyslam Your Way To Greatness: The Gianforte Way

Hello, my fellow God-fearing Americans. My name is Greg Gianforte. I’m a successful businessman of some sort, and I’m proud to be representing my home state of Montana as its newly-elected (and, I think, only? have someone check on that) congressman. You’ve probably been hearing a lot about me in the news these last few […]

LEAKED! Ernie’s Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street

Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by Steve Harvey in which the bald-pated, mustachioed, sharply-dressed talk show host admonishes his staff not to approach him when he’s in the studio. As shocking as this memo was, it pales in comparison with a document that was forwarded to us by a disgruntled PBS […]

The University of Chicago’s Letter to Incoming Students

The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media attention when a form letter it sent to incoming freshmen became public. Among other things, the school’s Dean of Students let it be known in this letter that the institution would not honor so-called “safe spaces” or “trigger warnings” that have become the standard […]

The Crossword Couple!

NOTE TO READERS: “The Crossword Couple,” Eric and Colleen Belknap, are currently in the process of dissolving their 15-year marriage. By mutual agreement of their lawyers, they are continuing to co-author this syndicated newspaper feature, albeit under duress. Please bear that in mind as you read these clues. Thank you. ACROSS (His Side) 1. “A […]

Batman and Superman: AN ORAL HISTORY

Superman: Oh, yeah, we were tight. Me and Bats? Are you kidding? In the ’70s, we were unstoppable. We’d film The Super Friends by day and dominate the club scene by night. We were getting pussy by the metric ton. It wasn’t even fair. Of course, the show was done out in L.A. The exterior […]

New Art Gallery Openings

Winter has arrived, why not go out and see an art exhibit or two? They’re all pretty much the same. And surprise surprise, they’re all in Chelsea.   Pierce Ubsnell, “Finns I Have Fisted: An Artist Reflects” (Edgard Pierpoint Gallery, Chelsea. Through February 20.) Judging by his portrait in the catalog, this guy doesn’t look […]

The Summer of My Erotic Marxist Awakening

I suppose we were what you’d call an odd couple, Karl Heinrich Marx and me. After all, I was just a pimple-faced 16-year-old from Kenosha, WI, and he was the German revolutionary and theorist whose Communist Manifesto had forever altered the course of Western Civilization.

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE – THE DISCARDED “POTTERSVILLE” ENDING

The screenplay for the 1946 holiday classic It’s a Wonderful Life went through any number of drafts before reaching its final version. The following, coffee-stained pages were recently discovered among the personal papers of director Frank Capra after they were donated by his estate to Indian Hills Community College in Ottumwa, Iowa. They reveal a […]