My criminal career can never be derailed, because I am always careful. For example, when I housesit, I steal money. However, I only take small amounts. This morning, a wealthy friend let me watch his home and feed his purebred Sphynx cat while he was on vacation. I saw that he had left a $100 bill out on his bureau. I refused to get greedy and swipe the whole $100. Instead, I pocketed the bill and left $82.74 in small bills and change in its place.
There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?
The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let’s say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things.
As I handle mementos around my house, they bring up recollections from many years ago. The movie-ticket stub that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The program from a play that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The public garbage can that I carried home in case anything else interesting was in there. Now I use it to store my mementos.
This, finally, is the maximum Barbie branding saturation you have been waiting for.
Let’s say your friend Frank has a particularly bad hankering to gamble; you can pledge $100 in support of his recovery, voicing your confidence that he can abstain from betting. If Frank makes it six months without placing a bet, your $100 contribution will net you a $1,000 “thank you” payment—a reward for your faith in your buddy.
The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.
Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.
Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.
Hartford’s area codes are 860 and 959: Whenever someone talks about “life in the 860 or 959,” if that’s something they do, maybe that’s what they’re talking about. I’m not sure what slang terms Hartford folk use to discuss their city.
Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.
Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won’t be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.
11:00 a.m. A woman put on her Montreal Expos jacket, but she was just cold. On the bright side, neat jacket.
Side effects of Binge-A-Derm TV are common, but severe. They include an inability to communicate using anything other than TV references, contempt for anyone who hasn’t seen the latest episode, and nausea. Cool!
“Side Burned”
In a shocking season finale, Brandon and Kelly call off their engagement after Brandon discovers that Kelly has been carrying on an emotional affair with his sideburns. “Choose, Kel,” he demands: “them or me.”
It feels like these days it’s fashionable to make just about anything and call it “comedy.” Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think if it was good enough for Groucho Marx, Milton Berle, and Jerry Seinfeld, it’s good enough for me. So I’ve got to speak the truth about the latest so-called “comedy” special I saw on Netflix this weekend:
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, it’s gross.
The internet is going crazy again, thanks to the most mind-blowingly controversial meme since “The Dress” that some saw as blue and others saw as gold. This time, the culprit is an audio file that some hear as “Yanny,” others hear as “Laurel,” and you hear as the voice of a demon condemning you to […]
11. Trader Joe’s 10. America’s Choice 9. General Mills 8. Kirkland 7. Mom’s Best 6. Kashi 5. Barbara’s 4. Mother’s 3. Nature’s Valley 2. Food For Life 1. Nature’s Path
This week, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk made news by hiring former Onion staffers for a mysterious satire project called “Thud!” Most media sources aren’t sure what “Thud!” is all about, but we have discovered that Musk has set out to build a joke-writing robot that will replace human comedians—including the staff of Weekly Humorist. Tough […]
Limp Bizkit’s highly anticipated sixth studio album, Stampede of the Disco Elephants, has been beset by nearly seven years of delays as Fred Durst and his bandmates have locked themselves in the studio crafting a thoughtful response to a changing world in which gender relations and what it means to be a man have been completely […]
“I’ll love you forever.” In cosmic terms, a human life is but a blink of an eye. Still, see if he buys it. “I can’t imagine my life without you.” You can, and you do. But we bet she’ll eat this one up. “I wouldn’t change a single thing about you.” Real talk: your […]
Payment Experience You’ll never look at a bill the same way again once it’s been redefined as an emotional journey. You pay a bill, but a payment experience enriches you. Differently Tempermented Calling someone a “jerk” is so 2017. Some people may be harder for typically tempermented individuals to get along with, sure, but it’s […]
The Netflix original animated series Bojack Horseman has changed television in many ways. It has brought added complexity and darkness to comedy and animation. It has encouraged a national discussion about depression. But the most important change Bojack has brought to television is this: every character is now a horse. Back in 2014, when Bojack premiered, hardly any characters were horses. […]
7) Health-insurance premiums are tax-deductible, and if you simply go without health insurance you can save years of income taxes by dying prematurely.
EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today announced a new Humbling Cream, which gives pimples to cool kids so they’ll grow up to be nice. “It’s tough to be a teenager” said a Proactiv spokesperson, “and even tougher when you’ve got pimples. By giving acne to formerly smooth-skinned cool kids, we’re ensuring that they’ll experience enough […]
WASHINGTON, DC – A new report by the federal Department of Nihilism (DON) has found that nothing matters anyway. “Furthermore,” says the report’s text, “the Department of Nihilism does not need to exist, nor does anything else.” The study, the last for outgoing Secretary of Nihilism Andrew Cartwright, confirms the findings of every annual […]
The first football was built as part of a New Deal–era jobs program in which American workers designed balls in confusing, impractical shapes. Networks started airing Sunday football telecasts because they had trouble selling beer commercials during religious programming. The first football game was played at Rutgers University, and you’d think they’d do better with […]
WASHINGTON — One week after the more publicized Women’s March on Washington, a demonstration held in the nation’s capital sought to highlight issues of importance to another constituency: Steven O’Neill, 36, of Oceanside, New York. “For far too long,” said O’Neill, “my concerns have been ignored by the government.” March organizers, who are Steven, say their demands […]
1. Cold out/hot out/regular temperature out. 2. These are good flushers. 3. What a week/can’t believe it’s only Tuesday/humpday!/Happy Friday. 4. [Act like you don’t see the person next to you]. 5. Guess what I’m doing. 6. Do you think there’s a God? 7. I just stand here and pretend to pee for thirty seconds […]