Entries by K.E. Flann

Even I, Lord Sauron, Can No Longer Support the Republican Party

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For me, culling elderly and disabled Orcs has never had anything to do with money. It’s just something I enjoy doing. Then again, I never claimed otherwise. I mean, I don’t want to toot my own fanfare trumpet, but if I declare that the purpose of the power I wield is forged into the One Ring, where I’ve poured my cruelty, my malice, and my will to dominate all life – well, then, I’m going to stand by that. Period. I’m not going to blab on and on for millennia about fiscal responsibility, and then – when I finally have power – suddenly be like, “Never mind.” 

House Resolution: Renaming Donald Trump’s “Transition” Team to Reflect That He Is Biologically President

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A “Biological President” is naturally “male,” meaning an individual who has, had, or would have, but for a historical polo accident, the reproductive system that at some point produces, transports, and ejects sperm for exclusively male purposes, such as fertilization or so-called “sexual assault,” which is defined as the legal and victim-less playboy antics of a rogue, rake, or rapscallion.

Urgent:  It’s Me, Reality. I’m Trying to Get in Touch With You!

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I tried to intervene, shaking the facilitator by the shirt lapels, waving smelling salts, and presenting a viral tweet about cheese. I said, “Come back to me!” But an argument broke out about whether it was the same year here as it was in Europe. “I’m telling you,” someone said. “I know for a fact that American women have been voting for at least the past two years.” “With their ANKLES SHOWING?” said the facilitator.

Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell

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Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun…

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines

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Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by K.E. Flann

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HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

An Open Letter of Apology to My Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to “Whoomp, There It Is” by Tag Team 

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It won’t seem that bad the first dozen times you have Tag Team in full effect, kicking the flow with DC The Brain Supreme, and his man Steve Roll’n. We’re party people, right? We like to jump, jump rejoice, just like anyone else does. You might even think you imagined the potential harm that my decision could cause. But if I let you believe that, I’d be gaslighting you. The party is over here and it’s over there.

Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

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With 100% less substance than actual efforts to make things better, the sentiment “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” is the rich new way to respond to your recent decisions. For example, let’s say you choose to spread a succulent deception. What can you possibly say about the unsavory behavior of some who consume it? That’s easy. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”