Entries by K.E. Flann


Originals

House Resolution: Renaming Donald Trump’s “Transition” Team to Reflect That He Is Biologically President

by K.E. Flann
December 11, 2024

A “Biological President” is naturally “male,” meaning an individual who has, had, or would have, but for a historical polo accident, the reproductive system that at some point produces, transports, and ejects sperm for exclusively male purposes, such as fertilization or so-called “sexual assault,” which is defined as the legal and victim-less playboy antics of a rogue, rake, or rapscallion.

Best of 2022

***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

by K.E. Flann
July 22, 2022

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.

Originals

Urgent:  It’s Me, Reality. I’m Trying to Get in Touch With You!

by K.E. Flann
June 16, 2022

I tried to intervene, shaking the facilitator by the shirt lapels, waving smelling salts, and presenting a viral tweet about cheese. I said, “Come back to me!” But an argument broke out about whether it was the same year here as it was in Europe. “I’m telling you,” someone said. “I know for a fact that American women have been voting for at least the past two years.” “With their ANKLES SHOWING?” said the facilitator.

Originals

Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell

by K.E. Flann
May 27, 2022

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun…

Best of 2022

How to Live With an Aggressively Comfortable Couch

by K.E. Flann
April 5, 2022

Approach the couch with caution. Do not allow the couch to make initial contact. Go about your business and refrain from reaching down to caress premium chenille or velvet fabrics. If the couch nudges or bumps you for contact, stand still and slowly turn off “The Great British Baking Show.”

Best of 2022

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines

by K.E. Flann
February 15, 2022

Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.

Books

“Swamp Monster Makeovers: Fabulous Species-Defying Transformations to Win Friends and Confuse People” An Excerpt from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by K.E. Flann

by K.E. Flann
October 15, 2021

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

Originals

An Open Letter of Apology to My Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to “Whoomp, There It Is” by Tag Team 

by K.E. Flann and Illustrator Sydney Kenton
August 11, 2021

It won’t seem that bad the first dozen times you have Tag Team in full effect, kicking the flow with DC The Brain Supreme, and his man Steve Roll’n. We’re party people, right? We like to jump, jump rejoice, just like anyone else does. You might even think you imagined the potential harm that my decision could cause. But if I let you believe that, I’d be gaslighting you. The party is over here and it’s over there.

Originals

Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

by K.E. Flann
March 12, 2021

With 100% less substance than actual efforts to make things better, the sentiment “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” is the rich new way to respond to your recent decisions. For example, let’s say you choose to spread a succulent deception. What can you possibly say about the unsavory behavior of some who consume it? That’s easy. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

Originals

Introducing Sedition, a New Hallmark Greeting Card Line!

by K.E. Flann
February 5, 2021

Thank you, High School Friend. Thanks for changing the subject when we get dangerously close to discussing current events. I appreciate the reminder to avoid hot-button topics, such as, How are you doing?